Page 45 of Melt His Heart

“Oh, but I brought you guys something, actually. Carson give Dillan one of the snacks.” I say before trying to grab the box back from him, but he pulls it away.

“What snacks?”

“There’s snacks?” Dillan exclaims, getting the attention of the rest of the team as they’ve started to trickle into the hall. I guess their showers are done.

“No, not for you.” He smirks.

“Yes, they are. Carson. Share them.” I scoff.

“He brought these just for me.”

“I did not. They’re meant for you to share with your team.”

“Yeah, captain, you need to share.” Sam laughs, joining us, Kane lingering behind him. Silent as always.

“Nah, I don’t think I will. I share enough with you fuckers.” He laughs.

“See how he treats us,” Dillan whines, “Julian, do something.”

“Carson, give me that!” I say, snatching the box back and passing the snacks around to each of them.

“Aw, thank you, Julian. You’re so kind,” Dillan grins.

“Thanks,” Kane says.

“These are good. Thanks, man!” Sam mumbles while chewing.

“I’m glad you like them. Here, take these for the other guys too, before Carson hides them all.” I say, glaring at him.

He’s watching me, his lips pressed into a soft smile.

* * *

Carson has come and watched my sessions up until very recently. As the hockey season grows more intense, he can only take me back home here and there. I feel the new program is almost perfected, and the extra training was absolutely worth it. My landings are cleaner, and I’m flowing into my next move much more gracefully and skillfully than before.

I really need to send Coach Peters a nice gift after this, whether I win or not. Speaking of winning, this bet or whatever we’re calling it between me and Carson has added another level of anxiety to the stakes. I still don’t even know if I want this to happen or not, despite me liking him and him liking me. But I have been working on these thoughts in counseling, and I’m starting to understand why I might be feeling this way. My feelings for Carson are something I can’t control or measure.

I’m sure it will take time for me to understand I can have both too. But what I have learned is, I want both. I want Carson, and to keep performing at the highest level I can. I want to enjoy the feeling of both. Being with Carson won’t bring my performance down; it won’t get in the way of me taking care of myself or my family.

If anything, he’s done so much for me.

He was my first real friend.

Even if that’s all we ever are, I hope I can be better to him.

“You ready to head out?” Carson says, sneaking up on me in the locker room.

“God, you scared me, I thought you guys didn’t have any gym today.”

“Oh…” He looks away, running his fingers through his hair.

Carson rarely gets nervous, how cute, “I have something to tell you.” He laughs a bit.

“What? You guys break the damn machines or something?” I laugh.

“That would be a good deduction. Actually, can’t say it’s never happened.”

Now we’re both laughing.