Page 34 of Melt His Heart

More than a friend.

It’s two days before nationals, and I should definitely be focusing on my skate, but I really want to see Jaein today. So, I told him we should meet up to polish our project. I think I want to tell him how I feel.

I want to confess.

“Jaein…”

“Hmn,” He hums, the sunlight hitting his face perfectly as he looks over at me.

“I….I think I like you.”

I feel his entire body tense beside me before he flinches away.

I never want to see that expression again.

* * *

That year was the first year I not only didn’t win gold but I didn’t even make podium. I tanked my short program, and I just barely made it through my free skate, missing the podium just shy a few points. That was the first time I ever cried stepping off the ice. I felt like the biggest disappointment. My mom embraced me, and I could hear her telling me I did great, but I knew that was a lie. I hated everything, including myself for allowing this to happen.

I barely spoke at school for the rest of the year. I also asked to switch home rooms. I would immediately leave class and head for the ice. I borderline ate and slept in my skates. That didn’t stop rumors from following.

But that was the last time I didn’t make podium.

I moved to the UK shortly after to finish up high school. There, no one ever spoke to me. There, I struggled to know if I even wanted them to or not. And maybe deep down I did want them to. Maybe I did want a stranger to approach me and strike up a conversation. But that never happened, so I became even more ok with myself. I returned home, head clear, to become the national champion, holding the title ever since.

* * *

My lips part on a sigh as I curl up in my black duvet. The only light present in my room is from a small mood lamp. I haven’t seen Carson since the fair. I made sure of it. I changed my training schedule so I wouldn’t have to see him at the rink. Their team is pretty busy, so it’s been easy to miss them. But that doesn’t stop Carson from texting me. My stomach drops as I hear my phone ding. I feel like someone is squeezing my heart with their bare hands.

Carson: julian…please talk to me.

Carson: what’s wrong…

Carson: did i do something?

I hate that he thinks this is his fault. But this is all too much for me. Everything I want to say to him is swallowed by everything that could go wrong. I’m jolted from my bed by a knock on the door. I go to check through the peephole, and it’s one of the staff for my building; they’re holding…the bear from the fair?

I open the door.

“Hi…”

“Hey, this was sent for you.”

“Thank you,” I say, grabbing it, and they nod, heading back to the elevator.

I close the door and set the bear down on the couch. There’s a little note stuck to its bow. My heart is racing.

I hope you’re doing ok Julian.

I’m sorry about what happened.

Didn’t mean to overwhelm you.

You forgot your bear…

I’ll be here when you’re ready.

Carson. Tears threaten to fall as I reread his note. I hate this so much, and I wouldn’t know what to say even if I did want to tell him. Hey, I like you, and I want to kiss you, and that’s bad for me, so I freaked out and ran away from you instead. Sounds so ridiculous, and it wouldn’t fix anything. I can’t ever do that again. I need to focus on competing, what I came here for. This may be my only chance to go to the Olympics, and I can’t throw that away for anyone.