Page 163 of These Secret Years

On the way back into the house with Sullivan’s bag, I pass my uncle Luke coming out of the kitchen holding four necks of fresh beer bottles. I attempt something like a pleasant smile, but he’s eyeing me with a mixture of curiosity and concern.

“Sullivan, huh?” he asks.

“Yep.” I start past him, done with the pleasantries. If my dad thought I was gay, then my uncles probably did, too, so I don’t see much point in slowing down to get his hot take on my sexuality.

“Knight,” he calls after me and I stop, nearly to the first step, stiffening with my back to him. “I’m here if you need to talk.”

I nod to let him know I heard him and continue up the stairs. It’s nice that everyone seems willing to give a me a few minutes of their time to listen, but other than the friends I brought with me, everyone in this house has lost someone fundamental. My mom has always ruled our world, but my father—he was the spark behind it all. The life of the party.

While everyone seemed comfortable on the back porch with their grudging laughter and empathetic smiles, the gathering was about as dead as my dad is.

“It seems impossible,” I tell Sullivan once he’s clean and dressed and in bed with me. “I mean, I get that people die all the time, and it can be sudden, sure, but it’s more that—” I pause, running my hand over my face before gesturing at my door. “He was just here. He was always, always here.”

I’m sitting up and Sullivan is next to me, slightly behind me with his arms around me and his chin on my shoulder. I feel his gaze on me, warm like a late spring sun. He smells like me, having come out of my shower, but beneath all that is that one note I associate only with him. Sweet warmth.

“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” I say quietly.

“I know.”

“That’s weak, right? After everything you’ve been through, and I’ve still got all this… I don’t know if I even want to know what you’re thinking about me right now.”

“That I wish I could fix it. That you don’t deserve this. That there’s nothing I can do, and that sucks.”

I rub his forearm, the one encircling my chest. “You’re here. You already know that’s what I wanted.”

“I could’ve taken the flight⁠—”

“You’re here. I’m sorry I was such a dick about it all day. It was just a shitty day.”

“I’m sorry.”

“They say—” I stop. I correct myself. “My mom said that she and my dad knew I was gay.”

“You mentioned that.”

“Did you know when you met me?”

“Not right when I met you but by the time we were walking in the woods, I was picking up on a certain vibe.”

That makes me smile. “You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. It’s amazing to me that anyone can take their eyes off you.”

He lets out a quiet laugh, nuzzling his face into my neck. “You’re biased, but I don’t mind it.”

“So, I just figured—why not let everyone know? Fuck it.”

“You can’t make a much stronger statement than marching your boyfriend up to your room after a brief introduction, I guess.”

“Sorry about that. I should have warned you there’d be a million people here.”

“Listen,” he says. “I want you to feel your feelings. All of them. Even the not so kind ones. I want you to do whatever you need to do to come to terms with what happened. What I don’t want you to do is lose touch with the person you are, even though losing your dad is probably going to change something inside you forever, you’re still the man he helped raise. The one I fell in love with. The one with his own dreams and his own life to live.”

I nod, the room blurring through a fresh onslaught of tears. “I don’t think I was the right son for him.”

“Baby,” Sullivan whispers softly. “I don’t think he ever had a second thought about that. You’re amazing. What father could ask for anything more than a son as talented and brave and kind as you are?”

I sniff loudly. “The kind who wanted his son to be straight.”

“Did he ever say that?”