Page 154 of These Secret Years

Immediately I’m transported back to that night. The pounding on the door. The threats. The crack of pain shooting up my arm as I tried to keep Quinn’s hand off me by taking hold of his own. Knight is next to me quickly, and I realize I’m crouched down, and that we’re now all crouched down. Knight’s hand is softly resting on my lower back, and D is in my face.

“That wasn’t me,” Knight says in a low, deadly voice.

I shake my head, agreeing with him, but I think I’m doing it wrong. “That’s over,” I say quickly, and so I say it again. “That’s all over.”

“You fucking thought I did that?”

Knight is angry. This isn’t going the way he wanted it to, and my being here strangled by my own anxiety isn’t helping.

“I had to ask. Everybody keeping secrets. Sully, hey. You want a glass of water?”

“I’m fine. I’m…I think I need to go home.”

“Let’s go,” Knight says.

I try to reel myself back from the edge. “No. Wait. Talk to him. Talk to each other. I’m okay.”

“You’re obviously not.”

“Then I’ll go to your room,” I snap, annoyed with him and myself. I love how protective he is, I really do, but I shouldn’t need someone to protect me. Certainly not the guy who just did a huge thing and came out to one of his best friends.

“Let me walk you up,” he says.

I shake my head again. “I wanna talk to D. I know where your room is.”

Knight reluctantly lets me leave the kitchen with Deandre. He and I walk up the stairs together, and when we get to Knight’s room, I close the door. D sits at the desk in Knight’s chair, and I sit on the bed facing him.

“I was in a bad situation for a while. That’s all I really feel comfortable saying.”

He nods thoughtfully, but he’s looking at me like he can see through my pores.

“Knight’s telling you all this because he wants us to have a chance at a real relationship.”

“Is that what you want?”

Swallowing hard, I make myself maintain eye contact. “What I want, really, is to tell you that if it weren’t for you—all the health and fitness shit you shoved down my throat last semester—I don’t think I would have come out of that one night the way I did.”

“That doesn’t sound like a compliment.”

“The break and the bruises were kind of a fuck you and farewell, but before that happened, I had the nerve to end things. And I don’t think that would have happened if you hadn’t helped build up my confidence the way you did. By being my friend. By staying my friend. Knight can explain it better, but thank you.”

He’s still frowning, like he’s not sure what to do with my gratitude. “Are you really all right?”

“I’m getting better.”

“And in terms of what I asked before—do you want a future with Knight?”

“The possibility of one? Sure. But I don’t need to be out with him to love him. I honestly don’t really know why he’s doing this, other than he’s sick of keeping secrets, which I guess I can relate to.”

Deandre hums softly. “Yeah, I guess you can. Was I too much of an asshole down there?”

I shrug. “You were being honest. Can you still be friends with him after this?”

“Look, I love the guy. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. I’ll support whatever he wants to do. I’m a hundred percent in his corner. Always. And yours, too.”

I nod.

“But I don’t think he should do it.”