Page 101 of These Secret Years

“Well…I wasn’t gonna say it, but…”

I groan. “This fucking sucks.”

“We should take a class together next year,” he suggests.

“How the fuck would that help?” I ask bitterly.

“It’d give us a reason to be friends.”

“I can’t keep my fucking hands off you, Sullivan.”

“Well…noted, and I struggle with that, too, but we’ve got all summer to get used to it, and you’ve got the season. I need to lock in on school anyway. You know what you need? You need a girlfriend.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Now I’m actually getting annoyed.

“It’s not that hard to have sex with a woman. I promise. And some of them really do give decent blow jobs.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“Well, you have to do something. If you’re gonna be friends with me, you need someone to hang out with. Chelsea’s available. She thinks you’re hot.”

“Chelsea runs a sex business.”

“Right, well, I’m sure there’s someone just as cool who’d want to be with you.”

“I don’t want a girlfriend, and I don’t want to be your friend.”

“Ouch. Now you’re just pouting. If you can’t have it all, you have to learn to compromise.”

“Like you are?”

“Yeah. Exactly like I am.” He takes his hand off my stomach. “See. Not touching you. Hands off.”

“Get your knee off my dick, and I’ll actually believe you.”

Instead, he drapes himself across me, his head on my chest, and his arm wrapped around me. “Friends hug.”

Mindlessly, I rub his back, wishing I could focus enough to memorize the way he feels, but I’m too split between the possible futures. One potentially with him, and the other with no one. It should be a no-brainer, but there are also no guarantees with Sullivan Scott at all, or any man who could keep my secret. In the end, it does come down to trust. It comes down to me, what I can control. If I make it through the next two years without a major injury, I will get drafted. I can’t control which team or where I’ll be, but the NFL is a sure thing if I stay focused.

“Do you think I’m being stupid?” I ask.

He sighs. “No. I think as far as the world has come in terms of accepting queer people, it’s also come a really long way in making men even more toxic. I’d rather you be successful and safe than living your truth and putting a fucking target on your back. You don’t need to be the spokesperson for the LGBTQ+ community when all you wanna do is play football.”

“That’s not all I want to do. I would like to make this easier for kids like me. Eventually.”

“You’re not gonna want to hear this, but in case you’re wondering at all, I’m not worth it.”

“You’re not gonna wanna hear this, either, but that’s bullshit. Also, I don’t want to argue with you tonight.”

“I’m gonna look for a girl for you this summer.”

“Please don’t.”

“I don’t want you to be all alone.”

“Believe it or not, I’m used to it.”

“I think we can do it,” he says. “I think we can be friends.”