Page 172 of His Surrender

He walks toward his bedroom, and I stand frozen in the hallway until he disappears inside.

I tell myself to go to my own room. Instead, I follow him.

Dean sits on the edge of his bed with his elbows resting on his knees, staring at the floor. He has removed his sweater, leaving him in a white T-shirt and jeans, but he makes no move to change.

His hands have finally stopped shaking. That should reassure me.

I cross the room and stand in front of him. “Lie down.”

“Aubrey.”

“I’m not asking you to talk.”

His eyes lift to mine.

“I’m not asking you to make any decisions. I’m just asking you to lie down.”

He studies me for a long moment before shifting farther onto the mattress.

I climb in beside him.

Dean remains on his back, rigid beneath the covers, staring at the ceiling. I turn onto my side and rest my head against his chest.

For a moment, he does nothing. Then his arm comes around me. The movement is slow and uncertain, as though holding me might be both the comfort he needs and the thing he fears most.

I place my palm over his heart. It still beats too quickly.

I listen to his breathing gradually even out while my own thoughts circle endlessly.

He loves me. The words should glow inside me.

Instead, they sit beside every other thing he said.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Love you and survive it.”

“I’m treating it like a warning.”

I close my eyes and press closer. Maybe tomorrow will look different.

Maybe the panic will recede, and he will understand that being afraid does not mean he has to give up everything that makes him happy.

I hold on to each possibility while his breathing grows deeper beneath my ear.

Eventually, the hand resting against my back goes heavy.

I remain there for several minutes, afraid that moving will wake him.

When I finally lift my head, his face is peaceful for the first time since I came home.

I study him in the darkness. The strong line of his jaw. The faint crease between his eyebrows that never fully disappears. The mouth that told me he loved me for the first time tonight.

I lean forward and press the softest kiss against his chest, directly above his heart.

“I love you,” I whisper.

I slide carefully out from beneath his arm and leave the room.