Page 21 of Her Sloth

Too much guilt.

She was so little when I left.

I should have taken care of her.

Checked in.

Called.

Be there.

Maybe I could’ve⁠—

A heavy rock appears in my stomach.

One that drags me down.

Down into a feeling of drowning on dry land.

Suffocating me slowly.

I stare at the water.

I could just walk into it and never return.

Just like her.

“What are you doing here?” asks a voice suddenly from behind.

I close my eyes. Because of all the people who could find me here, it had to be her. While I am crying my eyes out.

“Go away,” I say with a way to croaky voice.

“You’re trespassing on private property,” she says.

“Just leave. I’ll be gone in a minute,” I say, trying to wipe away my tears, but they just won’t stop.

Instead of leaving, she leans backward onto the low wall at a respectful distance. I look away. I don’t want yet another person to see what a mess I am.

I don’t want her to sit with me, because the presence of someone makes everything just worse. Goosebumps spread over my arms as another surge of tears overcomes me.

I bite the insides of my cheeks to cause pain. Pain that hopefully overrides the tears. Unsuccessfully.

More tears just come.

And I cry.

Why is she fucking sitting here with me? It’s making everything worse!

She just sits there. Probably judging me as the weakest weakling on earth.

I cry so long that dawn falls over us.

I shudder as the cold night air gets to me.

My hands tremble from all the crying, but eventually, I stop crying.

I am exhausted, and the skin on my cheeks burns from the salty fluid.