Page 71 of Challenge Me

“Of course not. I’m taking things slow. Like you said, this is a lot, and it’s all new.”

She nodded, but her eyes fell to the floor. “I didn’t mean to rush you. Truly, I didn’t. Actually, I saw the interview while we were waiting for the plane, but what was I supposed to do at that point? I couldn’t tell Mal we were canceling right then because I found out Remi was here.”

“How’d she find out? You didn’t . . .”

“Tell her? No. She does have access to the Internet, you know.”

“Sure, but I thought we were trying to keep her off of it as much as possible.”

“Did you want me to keep her phone from her for weeks? Months? I’m not going to be that mom, Amir.”

“You’re right,” I sighed. “Shit, I’m sorry I brought this down on us.”

“I want to be angry. I was at first. Maybe I still am.”

Gripping both of her biceps, I met her eyes. “If I could’ve done something to keep you from going through this, I would have.”

“You could’ve told me.”

“Yeah, I could’ve done that. I should have done that.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Suddenly, she looked small. I’d never needed to fight her battles, even though I would have in a heartbeat. To think that she’d been reduced to this state because of me was agonizing.

“I . . .”

I wanted to tell her, to release all of the lies and falsifications. But the truth was, I had a hard time classifying them that way because there was something between me and Remi. He might have told me nothing would come of it, but I wasn’t prepared to believe that either.

“If you don’t treat him like shit, how can he trust that you’re real?” Oli had asked me.

“I don’t understand what that means.”

“Remi runs headfirst into red flags because those people reinforce what he believes about himself. You get it?”

“I think so.”

“Anywho, I’m not here to give you lessons. The best way forward, if you want to go forward, is to crack him open like a coconut. AKA, bang his freaking head on the ground if that’s the only option. Don’t worry. He’s a little broken already, but he’s not breakable, if that makes sense.”

Yeah, I wasn’t done with Remi Keane, so for all intents and purposes, we were fucking dating.

“Amir?”

I met Avery’s blue eyes. “I’m afraid.”

“Of what? Being gay in the open?”

I shook my head. “Of doing all this—bringing Remi around, introducing him to you, to Mal—and then being wrong. Of going through all of it just to start over again. I don’t want to put either of you through that.”

She surprised me by laughing, a soft sound that had no edge to it. She lowered herself to the ground, so I sat with her. I watched as she crossed her legs like she used to when we were teenagers up on the hill behind her house, waiting for shooting stars.

“What’s funny about that?” I asked.

“It’s funny because it’s so normal, and none of this has felt normal.”

“I want to be a good dad.” Looking down at our joined hands, I felt an ache rising, one that I’d pushed away since I first accepted that I couldn’t stay married to Avery. “I always wanted to be a good husband to you, but I couldn’t.”

“Stop that, Amir. You can’t beat yourself up for something like this. You were the best husband, and considering what I know now, I can’t imagine what you were going through that entire time. I’m the one who should feel guilty.”