Page 164 of Trust Me

Chapter 43

Dean

After setting the roast on the stove to rest, I snuck out the back door. I’d seen Blake head this way, and even though he was probably the last person I should be around right now, I felt drawn to my brother in the way I often was to my dad when I needed to talk.

“Hey, D,” he said casually before he brought a cigarette to his lips.

“I thought you were quitting.”

“Well, life keeps happening, so here we are. Seems like you could use one right now too.”

I considered it, but then I remembered what Oli had said about things that caused dependency. He would no doubt hate to see me smoking. There was no way he’d get me to give up caffeine, but I didn’t need to pick up a new habit.

“Maybe after my third divorce,” I decided. Sitting in the chair next to him, I tried to smile, but it was too forced.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“With you? I’m not really sure, honestly.”

He chuckled, which eased some of the tension. Blowing the smoke away from me, he held the cigarette far out to the side. “Like you said, I’m not in a position to talk. Single, working sixty-hour weeks, doing everything I can to mentally check out sometimes.”

“I wish you’d talk to me more.”

He glanced at me. “You can call too.”

“It feels like I always have to.”

“I’ve failed you,” he sighed.

Turning to look at him, I tried not to appear too surprised. “Really?”

“If you feel like that, then yeah. Something’s broken here. I guess I just don’t know how to fix it.”

“The first step would be to admit we have a problem, right?”

Our eyes met, and we both started laughing. Once the air became somber again, I kicked my feet out.

“You know we don’t have it that bad, right?” I pointed out.

“Realistically, sure, but I still want to bitch about it sometimes.”

“Bitching about it is fine. What about fixing it, though?”

He looked up at the sky. “Am I supposed to act like it’s fine? Like I didn’t feel abandoned by Mom when we were kids?”

“Context matters.”

“I know. How’d you see it so differently than I did?”

“Maybe because I was born into it. Mom used to take me to the hospital with her and put me in the nursery. I’d see her when she went on break, and she’d sneak away whenever she could to check on me. Those little things stick with me.”

“At least you have those memories.”

“Look, I know you don’t like Oli—”

“I didn’t say I don’t like him. I just—I don’t know. He confuses me.”

It was hard not to laugh. “That part I can understand. But you have to know where he came from. His boundaries are iffy at best, but it always comes from a good place.”