Page 44 of When Ashes Fall

The stable boys were always scrambling around, trying to stay out of the way, while laughing and talking with each other. I was still young when I last saw them, yet they’d always been deferential to me.

They’d tended to my horse but mostly avoided talking to me like I wasn’t barely older than them. I’d hated it.

My father didn’t accept me, and neither did my siblings. I had no friends, and the boys closest to my age often went out of their way to avoid the alpha’s youngest child. I’d hated them for the laughter they stifled when they saw me, but I’d give anything to hear it again.

Except her. I wouldn’t give her up.

Shit, what is wrong with me? Where did that come from?

Before she came back into my life, everything was simple… revenge, death, and breaking the curse. That was all I lived for, and I was happy with it.

I’d never anticipated how much it would affect me to have her in my life again. I’d expected everything to be straightforward when I entered the harem for her.

She’d betrayed me. I would destroy her.

Except nothing with Briar was straightforward. I shook my head as confusion, doubt, and rage warred with each other. Every time I was certain I believed she hadn’t betrayed me, doubt crept in again.

Why am I so fucked-up?

Because they tore you away from your mate, threw you into a harem, and raped you for seven years. The woman who captured you, your mate’s mother, taunted you with tales of her betrayal throughout those years, never let you forget she knew it all, and claimed her daughter was the reason for your suffering.

And then, when you finally escaped the harem, it was because her mother twisted you into a monster she never could have anticipated. Then you learned your kingdom, your entire family, and everything you knew was devastated by the same woman who stole years of your life. That’s what’s wrong with you.

While I didn’t exactly appreciate my own inner words, they were true. They were also the reason why my head was a disaster. The problem was, I didn’t know how to fix it.

I’d asked Briar to be broken with me, and she’d said she’d rather heal with me, but I didn’t know how to heal. Moving on from the past would be one way to do so, but how could I do that when my kingdom was in ruins, my family trapped in a curse because of me, and my mate was the daughter of the woman I most loathed?

I’d hoped to use Briar to break the curse, but that wasn’t going to happen. I saw the way her mother looked at her, and while they could be plotting with each other to bring me down, I didn’t think they were.

Are you so sure?

That hideous, doubtful voice reared its ugly head again. When I lowered my head into my hands, my claws extended to dig into my skull. Warm blood welled and trickled down my face; it dripped off my chin before splatting onto the ground.

I hated this constant uncertainty surrounding Briar.

Should I set her free? The elf would take care of her.

But the idea of her with Devnair caused my claws to dig deeper. She believed he was a friend, but the elf wanted to fuck her, and I would never let that happen.

I couldn’t turn her loose in the kingdoms; she’d never survive out there. She claimed to have no intention of returning to the casters, but she might not have a choice.

Her mother would destroy her, and the day casters might toss her aside. She was different than them and unbound.

If the day casters did take her in, it would probably be with the condition that she bind herself to Sol. I wouldn’t let that happen either.

She could go live in No Man’s Land; plenty of forgotten, ostracized, and outlaw eternals lived there, and she knew the place better than anyone. She could hide there, but if they found her, those eternals would devour her.

She was so beautiful and, despite her upbringing, still incredibly naïve and innocent. It wouldn’t be long before someone raped her, beat her, or killed her.

It would be far easier to have Briar out of my life, but no matter her heritage, I couldn’t condemn her to that. No matter what she said, she wasn’t strong enough to fend off most eternals.

Yes, she had powers and abilities that would help keep her safe, but their strength and numbers would overwhelm her. And once they did…. A snarl curved my lips as my fingers dug deeper.

I hated the casters for what they’d done to me, but I couldn’t let the same thing happen to her.

I didn’t know how to fix or change any of this. I certainly couldn’t fix myself, and while I didn’t think Briar was the evil bitch I’d believed her to be while in the harem, she deserved better than these fragmented, shattered pieces of me.

That was true, and it was a cruel fate to hand her, but I’d never let another have her.