Page 69 of Insidious

Run a hand over my face.

“I guess I tried to brush it aside, thought Luna would forget, but she didn’t. And then I made it worse because I could see she was struggling and wouldn’t trust me anymore. And in my heart, I deserved that for what I had done,” I say after a moment. “I didn’t know how to fix it.”

“And so, you turned to Chloe?”

“Not really. More like she was there all the time … And I didn’t push that comfort away when I should have been working harder to win Luna’s trust back. And Chloe didn’t seem to want anything from me. She felt like my old mate.”

That’s the lie I’ve been telling myself.

Dr Ward nods slowly. “So, you moved towards a role where you didn’t feel inadequate.”

I cannot answer because that’s exactly what I did.

Standing in my own house, watching Luna get further away from me, and not knowing how to help … it felt like failing.

“And your wife?” she asks. “What does she feel now?”

I swallow the lump that forms in my throat.

“She doesn’t look at me,” I admit. “She doesn’t want me there. But she hasn’t kicked me out. I am at rock bottom. The only way to go is up.”

“That’s her grief,” she says, “and trauma speaking.”

She holds my gaze.

“Emotional betrayal often feels just as destabilising as physical infidelity,” she says calmly. “The secrecy. Intimacy directed somewhere else.”

I sit back. I am stuck on the word betrayal.

Then she leans forward slightly.

“Let’s start with something simple. What have you done so far?” she asks. “Have you ended contact with Chloe?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I have blocked her everywhere. Phone. Social media. I have told her that she is not to contact me or my family.”

“Good,” she says. “That will be non-negotiable from Luna’s side if you want to salvage your relationship.”

I nod.

“That’s step one,” she adds. “I hope she knows this? Because it means safety.”

“Yes, for Luna,” I say.

“For both of you,” she corrects.

I frown.

“For you,” she explains, “it removes the escape route.”

She watches me for a moment.

“Between now and our next session,” she says, “I want you to do one thing.”

I wait.