Page 81 of Duke in Darkness

“Don’t think for a moment that comes easily,” replied Lady Castlereagh, her amused expression turning serious. “We both have our quirks and foibles. I am politely called eccentric, he can be as gruff as an old bear. And when you are in power and forever in the public eye, there are many who wish you ill. It is only through practice that I became adept at walking through the bramble bushes and quicksand of society while keeping a smile on my face.”

Lilian’s jaw dropped at the frankness of the words. “But how do you do it? I don’t…I don’t think I can. And Exton is so very, ah, troubled by his time in France. I worry that someone else like that blasted Sir Roger could provoke him. And I worry that again I could do or say the wrong thing and hurt him.”

“Well, Your Grace—”

“Please, do call me Lilian,” she said impulsively, and the older woman smiled.

“Very well, Lilian. Then I am Emily. And I shall give you this piece of advice before I shamelessly implore you for a favor. Even strong, eminently competent and intelligent men have their dark and difficult times, and that is when we must be at our most fierce and steadfast. Robert knows he has my unquestioning support and affection, and that is how he continues on when faced with grave challenges. I am aware of this because he told me so. Does Exton know you love him? Showing it is well and good, but sometimes the words must be plainly said.”

Lilian nodded slowly. When stated like that, it seemed so simple. Perhaps it actually was. “I think you might be the wisest woman in London.”

Emily snorted. “Ha! Not really. Just a woman who had the wit to say yes when a blunt-talking Irish politician came calling. Because of him I have known great joy, and I wish the same for you and Exton.”

“I wish it also,” Lilian said fervently. “Because I truly love him. He will hold my heart forever, for so many reasons. I just hope it isn’t too late.”

“Then you know what you must do. Now, let me tell of the hospital that I am raising funds for. I need another high-ranking lady on the committee, and have decided you would be quite perfect…”

Lilian nodded and smiled as they continued to stroll, but her stomach churned with nerves and anticipation.

She would have to humble herself completely to make amends and repair her marriage. There was a strong chance he might still reject her.

And yet for her beloved colonel duke, she could do nothing less.

GABRIEL NODDED his thanks to the footmen as they emptied the last buckets of steaming hot water into the overlarge copper tub, bowed, and departed the bedchamber.

Hopefully the bath, placed at his request in front of the fireplace, would warm him up. Or at least the parts of him around the damned block of ice in his chest. And perhaps help him sleep. God knew he hadn’t enjoyed any sleep the previous night. Never had his bed seemed so empty and cold and uncomfortable, and even downing several bottles of brandy had left him aggravatingly clear-headed. Only forty feet or so physically separated him and Lilian right now. Yet the distance between them seemed more like ten thousand miles, and each hour that distance grew because she wanted to be Lady Kingsford’s granddaughter so much more than his wife.

After collapsing into his armchair, Gabriel removed his shoes and stockings, then he stood again to take off his jacket. Just as he was attending to his cravat and unwinding the length of linen from his throat, a tentative knock sounded at the connecting door between his and Lilian’s chamber.

His heart began to pound. “Enter.”

Lilian walked a few steps into the room, and paused. Curtsied deeply. “G-good evening, Gabriel. May I speak with you? Oh…I didn’t realize you were about to bathe.”

He swallowed hard. She looked pale, yet stoic. Unspeakably beautiful with her golden hair unbound, and her lush curves barely constrained by a pretty linen nightgown with a scooped neck and a blue bow. “Is that new?”

“Yes,” she said, glancing down and blushing. “One of Daisy’s creations. I’ve bundled up all my old nightgowns to be distributed to those in need. Actually…I’ve bundled up all my old clothing. It’s not appropriate. For Lilian Exton.”

“I see.”

Lilian lifted her chin, clasped her hands in front of her, and moved a few steps closer. “I don’t…I don’t expect you to forgive me for my appalling behavior at the musicale. I mean, I would like that very much, but I don’t expect it. Because I let you down completely. You bravely trusted me with the story of Bayonne, and I betrayed that trust when I implored you to shake that vile man’s hand. It was wrong of me, and…and I’m so very sorry.”

Gabriel stood frozen, having lost the ability to move or speak at Lilian’s sweetly sincere apology. As though she truly regretted her actions. As though she cared.

Say something, you fool!

“Your grandmother manipulates you,” he rasped at last.

“I know,” Lilian replied, her voice gaining strength. “Me, my siblings, my father, and everyone else she meets, too. She enjoys seeing the world dance to her tune and particularly hates to be contradicted. It is a habit of mine to obey her and keep the peace. A bad habit that I will conquer. Because it is not her nods or smiles I want any longer. It is yours.”

“Mine?” he said gruffly, tossing his discarded cravat onto the floor, just for something to do. His chest felt so damned tight he could scarcely breathe. “My smile is broken.”

“I shall respectfully disagree. It is most dashing.”

“When I look in the mirror…all I see is ugliness. Failure.”

Christ. Had he really just said those words, torn from a place deep inside him, and presented as blunt and raw as you like?

“I wish you saw yourself as I see you,” Lilian said softly. “Attractive and strong.”