Page 3 of Craving Sin

I slip from my office and see Cillian go into the living room. He’s at the bar, pouring himself a drink when I step into the room, leaning against the wall to watch him.

Though his hair is dark like mine, so much of him is like his mother. He has her blue eyes, her nose, the same shape of her face. He loves big like she had, and is fiercely loyal the way she had been too.

Moira had been a caretaker at heart, and Cillian is the same—whether it be the way he would do anything for Tiernan and Aislin, the cousins that are more like siblings to him, or the love he has for Rory. From the moment I brought the wild redhead to our house, after the death of his mom, Cillian had accepted him—hell, taken responsibility for him—and he loves him in a way I don’t think many people would understand. I know I don’t.

I’d honestly expected the two of them to end up together one day. Moira had thought the same—that the two boys were secretly in love—but now there’s Ollie, so clearly we had been wrong.

Cillian swallows down the drink he poured, and then, as if he realizes he’s not alone, he turns, giving me the cold stare I deserve, but one that slices through my heart all the same.

As soon as his mother had breathed her last breath, I’d walked away from him. I’d taken off to our house in New Hampshire, nearly drank myself to death, and honestly, hadn’t thought I would ever leave those four walls.

I’d missed her wake, her funeral, and had basically abandoned my son. And I’ve never found my way back to him.

“You’re in love with him,” I say.

“No shit,” Cillian snaps.

I’m so used to the hostility he shows me that I don’t even flinch from it anymore. “I needed to see it for myself.”

“So that’s what all this shit is about?” he asks. “Why I’m here. You pretended to want to what? Be a real family, but it was just to see how I feel about Ollie?”

You’re here so I can give you an out…so you can give Ollie what I never gave your mother.

Moira had never asked me to leave this lifestyle, but I think that’s because she knew I couldn’t—that I didn’t have it in me, and that if I tried, I would only be killed anyway. “Yes and no.”

“Because that makes sense. I’m so glad you cleared that up for me,” Cillian snarks. He definitely has his mom’s attitude.

Cillian pours himself another drink as I open my mouth to speak, unsure of what will actually come out. “I watched you with him tonight. Tiernan told me what he is to you, warned me that Ollie is involved with us now and he would need to be protected, but again, I needed to see it with my own eyes.” I take a breath, trying to work up the courage to continue. “He makes you happy…makes you smile. Sometimes, I forget what that looks like.”

Because I was never able to do it. Because I didn’t let myself close enough to you after she died.

My voice is lower, but I still try to keep the emotion from it when I say, “You look at him the way I looked at her.”

And I want that for him. I want Cillian to have every happiness in the world, and there’s nothing I won’t do to make that happen.

I hear the sharp intake of breath, the surprise at me bringing up the woman we both loved so much…because I don’t. I don’t talk to my son about his mom. What has happened to me? Why can’t I be the man I was with her? How do I find my way back to him?

“I miss her, Cillian. So fucking much. Even after all this time.”

She would hate what we have become, and it’s all my fault.

“I miss her too,” he replies quietly.

“She made me happy…the way your Ollie makes you. It’s not easy, though. You understand that, right? Loving someone, being with them, especially in this life. I hurt her often, without meaning to. I wouldn’t always be there when she needed me. The things I do…the things we do,” I amend because I allowed my son to fall right into this lifestyle, and even worse, I wasn’t there to guide him the way I should have been. “She accepted me and loved me fiercely regardless, but I can’t lie and say there weren’t times she struggled with it. When she died, I thought of all the things I couldn’t give her, all the fights, the fears, the ways I broke her heart. I always knew she’d be better off without me, but I kept her. I kept her because I was selfish.”

I don’t want to be selfish with him. I want my son to have choices I never had.

It doesn’t matter how much I loved Moira, not really. It doesn’t matter how hard I tried to make her happy. The truth is, she was in a hard, violent, ruthless world because of me, and that changed the course of her life.

“So I should just leave him?” Cillian asks. “Break up with him?”

This is it. This is the choice—one that kills me to make. Because the truth is, I’m still selfish. I want my son close. I want to share this with him, I want to earn him back, even if that’s not what’s best for him, but he deserves more. “I can’t answer that for you, son, but what I can do is give you an out.”

The air in the room freezes, Cillian going stiff. “What are you talking about? Leaving the family? Walking away? That’s not how this works.”

No, it’s not. I’m supposed to kill him before I ever allow that to happen. If my brother was still the leader of this family, he wouldn’t have been able to walk away, but no one will challenge me on it…and if they do…well, they will lose.

“If that’s what you want…if it’s truly what you want, I will make it work for you. I don’t care what I have to do to make it happen—who I’d have to hurt, kill—I would make it safe for you and Ollie.” And I would have to kill a lot of people, some that I care about, but I would do it for him.