Page 153 of Lost & Found

Her sternness came across as comical almost, sweet and endearing. She was going to be a softie as a mom.

“She didn’t meet anyone, silly girl. Pasha. She wants to wear one for him.”

“Well, then I approve,” Kinsley said. “Look at our girl making grown up choices, and a good one at that. I’m so proud of you. It’s too bad Marcus didn’t come with you guys. He could pick out a nice one for you. Which reminds me, I need to stop by Geraldine’s.”

“Hush, you’re getting sidetracked again, I swear.” Tori sighed, adding, “Okay, and have we thought this through all the way?”

She posed the question, and I pondered it for a minute before answering. “I have,” I answered, picking at the hem of my T-shirt.

“Walk me through the process, please,” she instructed.

“We’ve connected differently here. It wasn’t planned. But it feels right. You know how you said you were meant to be on that beach that night with Marcel? It’s like that. I can’t explain it other than to say I trust him, know he loves me—”

“Oh my God, you’re telling each other I love you?” Kinsley blurted out, sounding more excited, if that were possible. “It took my guys a while before those three words were physically said, but I knew beforehand.”

“We haven’t said it. Not yet. But it’s exactly like that. He loves me. The real me.”

“Slow down, Izzy B,” Tori said. “There is more here to consider.”

“Such as?” I asked, feeling my face heat with shame.

“Our pasts. He doesn’t know everything, does he?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I knew where she was heading with this line of questioning.

“Sonny?” Tori whispered his name. “Does he know the depths of all that happened with him? I’m not even sure Kins and I do.”

My heart pounded in my chest, nerves fluttering like a caged bird. I had already planned to talk to Pasha about all of that. It was the agreement I had with Marcel, one I had promised before we left. Number fourteen. We had outlined the areas I planned to share, but all of that was before.

Was I jumping the gun? Would Pasha see me differently? My apprehension grew, and I glanced down at my hands, now twisting the shirt so tightly that it was misshapen in parts.

“Understand that I don’t doubt his affection is real and I don’t think anything you say to him will change that if his intentions are true—”

“What do you mean if his intentions are true? He wouldn’t mess with her like that. Pasha is a good man,” Kinsley defended.

My breath caught in my throat. Maybe Tori was right. How could I be so confident when he had no clue about the dark parts inside me, some I was still barely able to admit to myself? He was such a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Nothing bothered him for long. One thing I was attracted to the most was his ability to be level.

“You didn’t let me finish—” Tori responded to Kinsley more than to me.

It was a mistake to call them, and now they were fighting.

“I just meant, is he capable of handling it, everything we went through? Have you ever shared anything with him, Kinsley? Like in depth?” Tori asked.

“No, just little bits here and there. He knows the outlined version,” Kinsley whispered.

“Isabella,” Tori redirected her speech to me. “You know the original Death Squad had years’ worth of seeing depraved things before taking on Kinsley and me. This isn’t to say Pasha can’t handle it, but he deserves to know up-front. And are you ready to share it? Because that’s what you do with someone you love. You share the good, the bad and the ugly.”

“I know,” I replied. “But…I don’t want to let that stop me from loving him, from being with him. It’s honestly the reason behind the extra days. I’m working up the nerve to be open and honest with him. He’s said it’s important.”

“And, honey, this is where my concern lies. You’ve admitted to us both that there are secrets you carry and it’s okay. I have mine still and I’m sure Kinsley does as well. But not from our men. And he has to be ready to hear it, to process it. Most importantly, you have to be willing to share it.”

“She’s right, Izzy. My secrets tore Ivan and I apart in the worst way,” Kinsley said before adding, “One thing I can tell you though, is that Pasha has broad shoulders. He can carry it. But you have to share it all. You don’t want to keep things back or you could…could get hurt.”

They were right. I had plenty of secrets. But what they couldn’t know is that the perfect segue to opening up to him was already in play. I’d been rehearsing the words for weeks. Hell, I’d even tried it out on Marcel before I left. A trial run of sorts.

“That’s the thing. I think I could. With him.” While it wasn’t the time to tell the girls about my plans, they deserved to be reassured. We were sisters after all. “I know telling him the truth won’t be easy, but I want to at least try. That was the whole point of this entire fuck-it list.”

Kinsley spoke first, and instantly a sense of relief filled the empty space in my chest. “My advice is to start with the less messy things. Some of the more mundane stuff was easier to share, the day-to-day things like how the eggs were always cold.”