Page 14 of Lost & Found

“You think?” I asked.

Each session had become easier, and being vulnerable with him didn’t leave me shaking and with nightmares anymore.

“It’s about embracing the moment, the here and now. We channel any new-found wisdom, take out the rubbish bin of negative thoughts and create a future. You’re here, stronger and wiser for the journey you’ve traveled. Which leads me to last week’s homework and this week.”

At the beginning of each session, he checked in with me on the previous week’s homework and gave me a new one. It almost never involved dealing with anything traumatic. It was the way he started our time together.

“So I suppose you want to know if I enjoyed visiting God’s Own Junkyard? I probably would have enjoyed it more with one of the girls, but you said I had to go alone.”

“I didn’t say you had to. I said it might be nice to do something without them along.”

“Except now I’ll be visiting it again because Kinsley is dying to see the neon jungle. Something about the Soho sex club’s signage from the 60s has her intrigued. She’s determined to see them. But I did see some cool retro movie props.”

“I had a feeling you’d like those. Now, do you want to hear about this week’s homework before we get into your session?”

“Of course, lay it on me.”

He leaned back in his chair, signaling the official beginning of our session. His gaze was warm and encouraging. He tapped his pen against the notepad on his lap.

“I want you to think about some things you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t, for one reason or another. It could be anything—big, small, silly or serious. A bucket list.”

“A bucket list? Like the one you make right before you die?”

His rich laughter rang out and wrapped around me like a warm blanket. “Exactly, although I strictly forbid you from dying.”

“Thanks. I’ll pencil in ‘do not die’ at the top of the list.”

“People make them for loads of reasons. I think it would be key to helping you grow. But as you know, I have to throw in a disclaimer and a challenge. No involving the girls.”

“Why not?” I asked, growing serious. They were such a huge part of my life. To do it without them seemed sacrilegious, almost.

“Because the thing is, this list needs to be about you. No tag-teams with the girls. I know they mean well, but I also know how you are. One thing will lead to another and then it’s their bucket list and you’re just along for the ride. Which we both know you would prefer. It needs to be about you, your journey, your discoveries.”

I nodded as his words gave me pause. The idea of taking charge of my own life, without their input, felt daunting. Would I be able to make decisions, good ones, ones that would push me without them? Uncertainty stirred within me and, as always, he read my mind.

“Trust me, it will be so rewarding this way. Just no bungee jumping off the Eiffel Tower. You might die.” He chuckled when I rolled my eyes. “I’ll even add that you can ask anyone else outside Kinsley and Victoria for ideas. The only caveat is that you must be able to justify them.”

I considered his words for a moment and then shrugged. My thought process was already trying to run with the idea and subsequently shut it down. I’d need some time to really think about them, and he sensed that.

“You can add as many items as you want. They can be small or big, but they must cause you to grow in some way. There is no time limit on this homework assignment, or the list, for that matter. Once you make it, you and only you will determine how fast or slow you want to take it.”

“That makes sense. I could get behind that. Thanks for not making me have it by next week.”

“Is that how you see our sessions? Me making you do things you don’t want to?”

His question hung in the air. It made me pause once more and reflect on my choice of words. The subtle shift in his tone prompted me to dig deeper.

“No, that’s not how I see it,” I replied. “Sometimes it’s hard. I used to follow commands. It’s how I stayed safe.”

His gaze softened, understanding washed over his handsome face. “Understandable, that you’d do that. It’s a natural reaction.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess it’s the guilt for me.”

“Let’s start there then. When did you first notice you were different?”

My head shot up. His question pierced through my racing thoughts like a shard of glass. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. My gaze drifted to the floor as I gripped the pillow tighter.

Memories long buried resurfaced with startling clarity, flooding my mind with images I’d rather forget. But this was how I progressed and healed. It was all about confronting them and releasing the power they had.