Page 90 of Postscript

I hadn’t even taken notice of where we were, I didn’t think it mattered, but as we continue down the long drive I realise that we’re at HomeFarm FC, a soccer club. Confused, I turn the car into the space she’s pointing at, in front of a soccer pitch, which is busy with a team being taken through their drills. I look at her, waiting for an answer but none comes. She watches the boys playing and, realising she needs some time, I sit back and give her space.

‘I used to play here,’ she says.

‘Really?’ I ask happily, glad she’s opening up. ‘I didn’t have you down as a soccer player.’

‘I was a striker,’ she says, while her eyes don’t move from the guys on the pitch.

‘Of course you were.’

This brings a small smile to her lips.

Jewel cries out from the back seat, I turn around and reach for the rice cake she has dropped. She takes it from me with a gentle ‘ta ta’ and shoves it in her mouth to continue sucking. One hand on her rice cake, another on her big toe, which she is pulling at and lifting to her mouth, deciding which she prefers the taste of.

‘That guy there?’ Ginika points out a tall handsome assistant coach. ‘He’s Jewel’s dad.’

‘What?’ I shout so loudly I give Jewel a fright. ‘Sorry, baby, I’m sorry.’ I rub her foot and calm her. Her bottom lip trembles for a moment, and then she concentrates on her rice cake again.

‘Jesus, would you shut up? He’ll hear you!’ Ginika slaps my leg.

‘Sorry. I just can’t believe that … you’re telling me. That’s him.’ I lean over the steering wheel and examine him. ‘He’s gorgeous.’

‘Yeah well. His name’s Conor. You wouldn’t shut up asking me about him, so, there.’

I didn’t ask her that often but she’s changing, she’s thinking, she’s planning for the end. Transitioning. My heart twists.

‘We can leave now.’ She nods at the steering wheel to hurry me up, perhaps panicking that I’ll cause a scene.

‘No, wait. We’re not going anywhere yet.’ I continue watching him, this mysterious character I’ve wanted to know so much about for so long.

‘Well, we’re not getting out of the car.’

‘I know. OK. We won’t. But,’ I watch him, running through drills with younger kids. ‘What age is he?’

She thinks. ‘Eighteen. Now.’

I look back at Jewel and at Conor. She’s so close to her dad. Possibly the closest she’s ever been.

‘Don’t,’ Ginika warns. ‘I knew this was a mistake.’

‘It’s not, I won’t do anything,’ I say firmly. ‘Just tell me, does he know? Does he know about Jewel?’

She shakes her head. ‘I couldn’t, didn’t want him to get into trouble. Didn’t want to fuck up his life. Conor’s nice, you know? I found out I was pregnant, then that I was sick. I dropped out of school. I couldn’t tell him.’

‘I understand, Ginika, it’s OK.’

‘Really?’ she seems surprised. Relieved. ‘I thought you’d judge me.’

‘Who am I to be the judge of anyone?’

‘You just, you know …’

‘What?’ I ask.

‘Your house, your life, you’re so perfect.’

‘Ginika,’ I look at her in surprise. ‘I am far from perfect.’

‘Not what it looks like from here.’