Page 61 of The Marriage Rebound

“No.”

I shot up from the couch and started walking in circles. “You were willin’ to give me everythang but you.” I held up my hand as Courtney started to protest. “I know that ain’t what you said, but it’s how I feel. It’s what I hear.”

“Sasha.”

I stopped pacing at the sound of my name, once again mixed with threads of exasperation. Covering my face with my hands, I took in a few deep breaths. “I can’t be everything for you all the time.” The statement Courtney had made replayed in my head. One thing, one small “battle,” and yet I was still making it about me. The one thing I couldn’t have.

And I could have easily bought my own ticket to go despite what she’d said since I had access to the credit cards. But I didn’t, because why go somewhere I wasn’t wanted?

Courtney finished off her water then pushed off the couch after picking up her laptop. “You wanna travel to the away games? Fine. Besides, with the way you tend to shop when I’m gone, I doubt I’m actually saving any money.”

The flatness of her tone froze something inside me more than the words. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Courtney headed back to the kitchen, taking the path where she wouldn’t walk past me. I could only stare at her retreating back. I pushed and pushed. Took, and took. Tanisha was right: How much was I willing to compromise? I wanted Courtney to stay, but I kept giving her reasons to walk away.

Chapter 22

Sasha

The last couple days had been awkward. Courtney and I were talking, and it was almost like normal behavior between us, but there was something a little off. Something missing from our interactions. And I knew that was on me.

I was haunted by her complete lack of emotion at the end of our talk. Her being like, fine, whatever, it was like something in her just sort of clicked off. At least it felt that way. Like she was tired of always fighting and had finally stopped trying. Stopped caring.

“I should have one battle I win.”

I’d been so pissed she’d said that, but then led us right into another one. Old habits were refusing to die. Why was I hanging on so tightly to behaviors I now knew were so detrimental to everything I wanted? Maybe I did need to go to therapy.

I did ask for a lot. I always asked for a lot, and she gave, and she gave, and she gave. How long until there wasn’t anything left? That thought made my breath catch.

I needed to fix it. Fix us. But I didn’t know how to do it in a way that kept me from feeling like the bad guy. Yet I was the bad guy because I wanted to be with my wife.

“I can’t be everything for you.”

Courtney’s statement popped back into my head, and I rolled my eyes at myself. This leopard needed to figure out how to change her damn spots.

“I didn’t think we’d be seeing you again so soon,” Denise said as she hung her purse on the back of the chair, pulling me from my lamenting thoughts.

“We usually do brunch, right?”

“We do, but you know, you were a little pissy with us last time, so.” She let the rest of that hang with a shrug.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. Both she and Tanisha had really said some things that I hadn’t expected, and it was all a tornado culminating inside me. Spinning me every which way, and I was steadily fighting against the wind. Doing things the hard way, not seeking shelter. At the time I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge the truth of their words or sit with the discomfort they created. And to be honest, some of the shit Denise had said especially still didn’t sit right with me, but knowing she saw us as transactional would help me move accordingly going forward.

“Yes, well, I didn’t want you guys thinkin’ that, you know, I only ever hang out with y’all when there’s trouble at home.”

Denise just smacked her lips, adjusted in her chair without saying anything more, and picked up the menu.

“Can I get you something to drink?” the young waitress asked when she approached our table.

“Yes, I’ll take—” Denise paused and glanced at my drink. “What she’s having.”

I picked up my pomegranate mimosa and took a sip.

“Are you two ready to order?”

I shook my head. “We’re waiting on one more.”

The waitress nodded then walked off.

“Where is Nish? Can’t believe I beat her here,” Denise said.