Page 50 of Found in Wild Sage

And based on the big yawn, we’ll need the crib soon.

Charlie’s leaning back enough that Declan lays him down in his arms. At this age, a healthy Charlie would most likely squirm to sit up. Not today. He lays there staring up at Declan, who’s gazing right back down at him.

“I think he might not be long for consciousness.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” I agree.

Ten minutes later, I’ve witnessed Declan watch Charlie’s eyes droop then close. And Declan just held him, gaze pinned on my son. And I just watched him, eyes glued to the man holding my son so tenderly.

Charlie’s getting big, but in Declan’s arms, he seems smaller. The combination is brutal.

“Charlie’s room is all set. We’ll be back with the second load in a few.”

Finn’s words snap me out of my dreamy stare, and I stand.

“Let’s see if we can get him settled in his crib. Then your hands will be free.”

“I don’t mind.” His response is instant.

I fall a little further.

“It’s pretty sweet just holding him like this, isn’t it?”

His eyes find mine and he nods. What would I pay for insight into what’s happening in that head of his? He’s promised me he’ll tell me the truth, but that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily forthcoming. And after we essentially avoided each other all week, it’s almost painful to be so close and not touching and talking. Not at ease, like we were for at least a few hours last weekend.

After a few more minutes, he acquiesces. “I guess I should help them.”

The reluctance in his voice is unmissable, but I won’t stop him.

We both walk up to Charlie’s room. It looks perfect with his crib and changing table amid the pale blue Declan chose, and I see that the baby monitor is already set up. I’m sure I have Grant to thank for that. Declan sets Charlie down gently, his bare forearms flexing in an alarmingly distracting way. I shouldn’t be reacting to the man’s arms while he’s laying my sick baby down to sleep, but here we are.

We slip out after turning the light off and he shuts the door gently.

Why is every single thing he does melting me? It must be hormones. Or pheromones. Or that marriage license with both of our names on it and the absolutely sacrificial love he’s shown in everything he’s done for us.

Yeah, maybe.

Back downstairs, we find my new brothers-in-law waiting for us by the front door.

“Okay, we got everything offloaded in the living room. I’ve got to get over to the gym and Grant’s got, like, a family or something?” Finn shoots Grant a perplexed look. “Anyway, have a great Saturday, you two.” I could swear he winks at Declan.

“Thank you both so much,” I say, walking them out. They really are remarkably kind men. The whole family is lovely, and I have to force away the emotion rising in my throat when I think of how persistently helpful and generous they’ve all been. It’s so completely opposite from the solitude I was used to for so long—to a degree here, though this small town has welcomed me as much as I’ve let it, but for the years and years before, too.

“Hope Charlie feels better soon. Let us know if you need anything.” Grant pats the door frame as he and Finn exit.

And then they close the door, and Declan and I are truly alone for the first time since our wedding day.

There are so many things I want to say to him, but I’m blocked up, stunted by the reality that we’re here because of my bad choices to begin with.

Most of the time, I’ve forgiven myself for being with Trevor for so long. I’ve recognized that his slow, steady escalation in abusing me plus my lack of family and other resources made me a perfect candidate for his cruelty.

Most of the time, I can look at Charlie and feel compassion for myself, paired with gratitude that I have my son. It doesn’t erase the harm I endured. It doesn’t make me skip along and say, Everything happens for a reason, because I won’t buy that. Some people are horrible and they don’t deserve to be excused and given a pass because something good managed to grow in the ashes of what they burned down. The credit for that goes to the growing thing.

These are truths I logically acknowledge now, but in my gut, in that soft heart of mine, I don’t know how to talk to this man who is so utterly different from what I’ve known in the past. I feel almost desperate to know and be known by him, but I’m completely closed off to that because of the circumstances.

I can’t force my way in, can I? And he seems to be holding me at a distance, so I need to respect that. It’s the nature of this situation we’ve opted into. And if I did somehow have the privilege of getting closer… Well. I wouldn’t be doing that heart any favors, would I?

“Let’s try to get you settled while he’s sleeping,” Declan finally says.