Page 45 of Found in Wild Sage

It’s not until the limo is trundling down the long road away from the Ryan farmhouse that nerves hit me. The driver rolls up the privacy screen, and Declan and I are alone, truly alone, for the first time since our dinner at his house.

Soon to be our house.

Declan is completely silent, but I can’t sit here with my thoughts and feelings brimming and keep them from spilling over.

“I can’t believe they did all that.” The Ryans had pulled together a truly impressive party. Most of the details fell to Mary, May, and Sam, but I also discovered Connor and Finn had quite a bit to do with it.

Gorgeous flowers, amazing food, a string quartet for the ceremony and a DJ for the reception… I would’ve thought it’d been planned months ago.

“One thing you’ll learn is they’ll do anything for family.” He speaks without looking at me.

Is he okay?

Has this all been too much for him? He’s absolutely an introvert, and in the same way I feel that squeeze of my heart when I think of his family rejoicing so thoroughly over him getting married, maybe he feels it, too.

I don’t want to be the person who constantly asks, but I have to do that now. “Declan, are you okay?”

He turns toward me.

“Yes.”

His smile is a bit forced, but I can’t tell if it’s due to being exhausted, or something else.

“I’m really grateful you⁠—”

“No, please.” He looks away, back out the window so all I can see is the line of his jaw and his thick neck straining away from me.

“Sorry.”

He turns back. “You don’t need to apologize, Evie, and you don’t need to be grateful. Please.” His eyes fall shut for a moment and he almost looks like he’s in pain. “I can’t take it.”

My heart sinks and my mouth falls open, but I have no idea what to say. Certainly not I’m sorry, apparently. I’m downright stumped here.

And hurt. I don’t know why this is hurting so much, but it is.

I want to hug him. I want to turn his face to me and make him talk, explain himself, use words to tell me what’s wrong and how I can fix it. I want to kiss him. I want to go home to the house we’ll share and make love like a newlywed couple who chose this.

I’ve never felt he was withholding, but right now, it’s like he’s locked himself on the other side of a glass door. I can see him, but I can’t reach him.

I hate where my head goes, but it barrels right back to a familiar fear. What if I don’t really know him? What if this is all just a show and any moment now, he’ll stop being so lovely and reveal how much he regrets this? How beneath him I am?

We’re quiet, the sun setting in the west and painting the sky that brilliant orange and pink and casting the world in an unearthly glow as we drive. Then the car stops and I realize we’re parked outside of my apartment. Declan exits, then arrives at my side right as the driver opens my door. He holds out a hand and I take it, our gazes snagging. Holding for a beat before he blinks away.

Why does my chest feel like it’s caving in?

Why did I let that kiss, those vows, this whole day fool me?

We walk to the entrance, and he holds the door for me. We ascend the stairs, then knock quietly on the door. Clementine answers with a grin.

“He just woke up and had a snack. Congratulations, you two.”

If she thinks it’s weird we didn’t arrange an overnight sitter for Charlie on our wedding day, she doesn’t show it. If she thinks it’s odd the limo is idling outside even though we’re here, I’m betting we’ll never know. She waves goodbye to Charlie, who’s sitting in the middle of the carpet in the living room playing with blocks, then grabs her things and slips out.

Declan comes farther inside once she’s gone, eyes searching and assessing every bit of the apartment. I love this space, and even though it’s small, it’s perfect for us. I’m reminding myself of that after letting my mind wander over all the space in his house lately. It’s good to remember that whenever we end up back here, this is all we need.

And we will end up back here. Even if we haven’t put a specific date on this marriage, who knows how long it’ll last. I’m less sure than ever, and it’s whiplash after the day’s events.

Charlie stands and toddles over. I pick him up and accept his hug. I savor it, needing it more than ever tonight.