Page 97 of Stag

“I guess it seems like a more permanent thing, right? Like it’s not just us shacking up at a friend’s place for a few days, waiting out a situation. This is more like a forever kinda move. What if she doesn’t want that?”

Claudia

Ihad an email from Marissa, sent from the facility she’d been delivered to by the Bennett guys’ doctor, wherever that was. It was brief, and sent from a hospital email address, but it was something. It made me cry, but also gave me a little hope, even as much as I was still cautious about trusting her. Maybe I’d get her back one day.

Claud,

I’m settled in here, and the therapists are confident they can help me. Confident, but not certain. Apparently a lot of it is down to me. Yay.

Still, since I’ve been given five minutes to check in with my loved ones, and you’re the one I hurt, I just wanted to let you know I’m okay, but more importantly, I’m sorry.

I don’t fully understand what went wrong with me, but I think I get now that I went off the rails. I’m not allowed to say that to them, because apparently it’s ‘not helpful’, but it’s what happened. My god, I tried to kill us both.

I’m learning a lot about myself already, like how being a twin made this worse. That doesn’t mean I’m blaming you, just I think I haven’t been a whole person. That sounds weird, but I’m working on it.

I’ll stay away. I won’t bother you. I have to call mum and dad, and let them know I’m here. I don’t know if you’ve told them, but it’s not a call I’m looking forward to. Be as honest as you need to with them. It’s all my fault. I understand that much.

When I’m calm, I’m accepting that, but when I get stressed out, it all comes back. They say it takes time.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry. Please relay that to your biker too. All of them. I won’t be your problem anymore. Maybe one day I can be your sister again though.

I love you.

Mar x

There was something so distant about the way she sounded in her email, but in some ways it was a relief, because there was no anger or hatred. Just sincerity. In the short while she’s been wherever she is, they’ve clearly spent some time with her and got her thinking a little more clearly, although that could just as easily be medications to calm her.

My god, the idea of my twin sister being in some place like that, being medicated to control her, made my stomach hurt. I wrapped my arms around it, trying to soothe the dull emptiness, but it wasn’t a physical thing, it was my soul hurting for her. It was me realising that my twin was having psychiatric treatment because she’d lost it. Maybe had some kind of mental break.

I didn’t even realise tears were running down my cheeks until a soft hand touched my shoulder, and I spun in the chair with a gasp.

“Sorry, babe, I… Jesus, what’s wrong?” Stag tugged me out of my chair and wrapped his arms around me, holding me as I sobbed against his chest again. He must be getting so tired of me being such a mess. He hadn’t signed up for all this. He’d just wanted a girlfriend, love, sex, all the things that we had already, but all this extra trouble and angst. Men don’t want those things. They want easy and straightforward. They want the good without the bad. Isn’t that why so many women are deciding to manage alone?

“I… I’m sorry.”

Stag twirled us slowly, dropping onto Henley’s spare chair, with me straddling his lap, something I couldn’t do in the main chair, which had solid leather arms. That’s why I’d used this one. I liked sitting cross legged while I worked.

“Babe, the only reason you need to be sorry is because you’re stuck with this bellend. What’s happened? Can I help?”

I wordlessly pointed at the screen, at Marissa’s email, and he frowned, using his feet to tug the chair closer to the desk again.

“Ah fuck,” I saw him say before his head turned enough that I knew he was reading, and I wouldn’t catch any words he uttered until he turned again. He took a while reading it, which I took to mean he was rereading it, rather than struggling to absorb her words. I literally felt his chest move as he heaved a sigh when he turned back to me.

“It sounds like she’s trying,” he finally said, raising his eyebrows at me questioningly.

“I want to think she is,” I said, glancing at the screen again, another wave of sadness crashing over me, “we used to sometimes feel when the other was hurting or upset, but I feel like we’ve been disconnected for so long now. I miss that closeness.”

Stag rubbed my shoulders as I spoke, his brown eyes filled with the same sadness I felt. He didn’t look angry or like he hated her right now. He just looked like he felt my pain. Maybe I’d lost that connection with her, and gained a new one with him.

“Can I ask you something?”

He nodded, his hands gliding up my neck to cup my cheeks in a gentle, but warm, grip.

“Are you taking me with you when you leave here?”

His mouth dropped open, and he blinked rapidly. “Uh… is that what you want?”

Oh hell. I was being a little coy just then, or so I thought, but now I wondered if I’d pushed things too far with him. Surely he still wanted me, right?