Page 67 of This Time Around

“I don’t actually know,” I admit.

“What did he say that upset you?” Bella asks.

“All I needed from him was a free place to live.” Luke shifts again in his seat, and I see him run his hands over his beard.

“Luke, what made you say that?” she asks.

He takes a long breath. “My ex wife was strong and independent, so much so that she never needed me. It’s hard to explain, baby,” he shifts towards me. “I love how independent you are, how much you can do for yourself. It’s something I admire about you. But, when you tell me you don’t need me to take care of you, or protect you, it guts me. I need you to need me. Otherwise, what will keep you with me?” He looks away.

I tighten my grip on his hand, hoping he will look at me. I decide it’s better if I just say the quiet part out loud. “Luke, you-you will keep me with you. I love you. I’m not going to cheat on you or leave you. Baby, I don’t need you to protect me and take care of me, but I want you to. I tried to tell you this before. Needing you means things like the soft opening will happen again, because you will feel the need to step in and take charge, protect me, because I can’t do it myself, but I can. Luke, I am very sorry I lash out and have big reactions.” I pause for a moment before continuing.

“But I finally understand how you feel, because I wanted you to need me too, but it just dawned on me, this is what we need to work on. We can’t rely on each other to be complete, we’re both perfect the way we are. Wanting you is a choice, needing you means I’m not enough on my own. Luke, I’m finally whole, and your presence, it just enhances my life. In so many ways. I chose you because you bring me joy, passion, and connection, and that’s all I’ve always wanted.” I shake my head, trying to register our conversation, empathizing with how broken he truly is. Luke carries things I didn’t realize. Noel’s cheating on him scarred his heart, even though he wasn’t in love with her.

I get lost in this thought as Bella turns her attention to Luke. He is strong and confident and, most of the time, he is my voice of reason. But I realize he’s more complicated than that. He is more broken than I realized and the thought peels back a small piece of armor I have built around my heart over the years, creating space for him I didn’t realize he hadn’t already occupied.

Five minutes ago I thought he held all of my heart, but at this moment I am realizing how much more I could love him.

But, shit, I’m scarred too. I never saw them until now

I understand why April was so worried about us coming together right now. She saw the scars and frayed edges that decorate both our hearts, ones only someone from the outside looking in with true love could see. I also realize how naïve I've been.

Love is not just being there for people how they want you, it’s being there in the ways they need you, even if it’s difficult and creates friction. This is a lot like the love most parents have for their children, a love I never experienced, so I couldn’t recognize it in her and got pissed instead.

I don’t know how to make things between us better, but I know listening to Luke and loving him is a step in the right direction.

Luke

Iknow being independent is important to Blake. I know she was hesitant to move in with me, and felt like a freeloader. That made my words feel even more harsh.

“Why did you end up leaving the apartment, Luke?” Bella asks.

I turn to Blake, deciding to continue talking to her instead of Bella. “I knew you needed space, but over my dead body were you going to spend one night on someone’s couch. You have been working so hard, and I am so proud of you. You deserved to be at home, comfortable in your own bed. I spend a lot of nights at the hospital, so it would have killed me knowing you were on some couch and the bed was empty.”

She just smiles and grips my hand tighter. A slow burning wave of emotion builds within my chest, radiating through my body, and consumes me.

“B, fuck, I know this is not romantic and you deserve more than this moment, but you being here with me-it means more to me than you can imagine. I’m done mincing my words or waiting for the timing to be perfect. I fucking love you, B. I always have. When I look at you, the rest of the world fades away. The curve of your smile, the way your eyes crinkle around the edges when you laugh. I’ve etched every detail about you into my memory. I catalog everything you do and replay it repeatedly when we’re apart. You are everything to me. Dammit-I’m sorry. I should have made sure we were alone when I said this out loud for the first time.” I run my hands over my face, disappointed with my timing.

“Luke, stop,” Blake says, pulling my hands away from my face. “I love you so fucking much. You’re all I need. However you show up, that’s what I need. Bella is onto something. I have so much shit built up with my mom and guys I’ve dated and I react big when the situation isn’t that big to protect myself from being hurt. Our fight was not big enough that one of us had to leave. All I need is you, Luke, whatever it looks like for us, that’s what I need.”

I just stare at her for a second, not knowing how to proceed. I take in my surroundings. An apologetic smile is all I can offer Bella. “I’m going to kiss her, ok?”

Before Bella can respond, my hands wrap around Blake’s jawline and I pull her into me. Our lips meet in a slow soft kiss, opening slightly like pieces of a puzzle. Placing my forehead against her, I pull away just enough to see her glossy eyes. “B, I love you so much. I’m really sorry I ruined your opening day. I promise I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“I can’t wait to see what that’s like.” She bites her lower lip, a smile tugging at her mouth.

Her eyes soften, and for the first time in what feels like forever, the tension between us begins to ease.I don’t know what I expected her to say, but when she reaches for my hand, it’s enough. The apology, the forgiveness-everything feels like it’s finally starting to fall into place.

What If We Can Have It All?

Three months later…

“All we need is just the two of us”

-Shania Twain

Blake

L&L is fully running, and Amari is literally a lifesaver. I couldn’t do this without her. I get pulled in so many directions, I’m not at the bar as often as I’d like. She spent the entire day stocking the shelves and inventorying every single book, every bottle, and ordered new bar glasses to replace ones accidentally broken by customers. I know it would be cheaper if I ordered plastic ones; yes, they look like glass, but it feels cheap to me. I enjoy the feel of heavy glass in my hand when enjoying a glass of wine or a cocktail.