Page 41 of Waking Roslyn

“She didn’t say a word. She’d been taking care of herself and us on her own for years. My father had only been a hindrance for some time.”

“Was she happy to see him go?”

I thought about that, about how complicated the answer was. “No, not happy. Relieved maybe. But he was still her husband, and he was still our father, so even though she let him go, she still cried that night.”

Her face was puzzled. “Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Probably the same reason Gretchen and I did. He was our father. And the good times…they’d been really good. They just never lasted.” In truth, it had been crushing to have him leave. As much as I told myself I should be glad for it, it still pierced me to the core to realize that he didn’t think we were worth making any kind of effort. The back-and-forth of fun Pops and scary Pops was terrifying but also provided me with constant bits of hope that someday he’d change for the better. Having that hope vanish was much harder than it should have been. His abandonment was devastating at the same time as it was a profound relief.

10

Roslyn

Lying in bed that night, I stared into the darkness above and thought about all the things John had said. It was good he had opened up to me about it. He’d told the story of his pain, or at least some of it. And as he’d confided in me, I’d seen his tension ease.

I kept imagining a younger version of John defending his mother and sister from the cruelty of his father, and then suffering under that cruelty before he was old enough to fight back. It struck me once again just how lucky I was to have parents who adored each other, who cared for and protected me. Yes, there were those who threatened my well-being, but none of those people were within my own family, and that was a gift.

I admired John for his resilience under such unfair circumstances. I also admired him for other reasons. The way my heartbeat had sped up when he’d declared that he was trained to protect. Stars, it had been…attractive, and so very masculine.

It would be two more days before we had another lesson. I looked forward to it, probably too much.

I woke up early just so that I could watch as Lord Farbury’s things were packed into a carriage and he drove away. As far as I could tell, I had managed to keep him from seeing my face for the entirety of his visit. A sense of pride settled over me. I’d protected myself. I may not have done it with a staff or a sword, but I’d found a way to keep myself and my identity safe. As much as I sometimes regretted my need to hide, I was still grateful for it.

Now I could return to the comfort that I had found here at Bridgefield. I didn’t have to run and hide. I didn’t have to shut myself in this room.

Funny. I’d always viewed my chambers as a place of solace when I’d lived at the palace. It was the only space that was mine, and I had always had plenty to do. I would embroider, draw, read, or make lace, but here at Bridgefield, I would much rather be outside, among the trees, listening to the song on the breeze and discovering new flowers.

I took breakfast downstairs with Lisette and Edmund, and there were only a few awkward moments. Edmund entered when I was already in the midst of eating. “Decided to join us once again?” he commented with a lift of his brow.

“Yes, I am much recovered,” I said with a smile. I’d decided before coming down that this was the approach I would take if Edmund was curious about my absence.

“Recovered?”

“I’ve been unwell for the past several days.”

“Were you?” He sounded skeptical. “Why was I not told?”

“There was no need to bother you with such a trivial thing. I was not truly ill, and I had no wish to put a damper on the visit from your friend.”

He seemed unable to come up with a response. The idea of Edmund involving himself in my well-being in any deeper way than a vague interest would be completely out of character for him, and we all knew it.

“Don’t worry, dear,” Lisette jumped in. “I’ve been checking on her regularly to be certain all was well.”

His only response was a grunt, and he spent the remainder of the meal ignoring both me and his wife. I was annoyed on Lisette’s behalf, but happy to return to the norm.

It was a surprise, later that morning, when Edmund told us he had to go into the village for another meeting with the local lawmen, and he invited us to go with him. “I’m certain there are some shops you’d like to visit.”

Lisette and I agreed to go, knowing full well that he wished for his wife to go out, be seen, and make a good impression. We were happy to oblige and went to change clothing. If we were going out in public, Lisette had to look like the future duchess that she was, and I had to look like I was worthy of being her closest friend.

It turned out to be an enjoyable outing, and we spent a good deal of time in a furniture shop, imagining different pieces of furniture in different rooms but ultimately leaving empty-handed. I was impressed with the way that Lisette held herself. She was confident yet humble, and she did not shy away from engaging with those we came across.

It was mid-afternoon when we returned to Bridgefield, and I was more than ready to change into a more comfortable dress and go outside.

I left the house and went out into the grounds, away from relations and servants, walking until I knew there were no prying eyes. I picked flowers. I ran through a field of wheat. I talked to whatever birds and critters crossed my path, because no matter what anyone else said to make me feel silly about it, I knew it was the polite thing to do.

I listened to the song in the breeze, and I started to spin.

John