Page 125 of Waking Roslyn

My mother blew out a shuddering breath of relief. “Thank you, Captain,” she said in earnest.

“Of course, Your Grace. I’m just sorry that they were ever able to gain access to the grounds in the first place. It should not have happened. My most sincere apologies.” He bowed low and my father excused him with a nod.

With everything that had happened, the thing I needed most was to be left alone, but it was more than an hour before I got my wish. I had to convince my parents that they could leave my side and go take care of meeting with the magistrate and the king’s soldiers.

“Are you certain?” my mother asked after I’d insisted they go. “Your father could go. I’ll stay with you.”

“It’s all right. Go.”

“But—”

“Honestly,” I interrupted her, “after so many years of being left to my own devices, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the attention. It will be good for me to sit with my own thoughts for a time.”

“Are you certain?”

“I am. I need the quiet to think.”

My mother’s chin lifted as she took in a deep breath. I almost felt bad for insisting she go, but this room was starting to feel too small, and her nervous energy and swirling fear were keeping me from finding a peaceful corner of my own mind.

“Very well.” She patted my hand one more time and then stood, brushing her hands down her skirt and hesitating.

“Come along, Violet,” my father prompted her. “We really must speak with the magistrate if we wish to put this day behind us.”

“She shouldn’t be alone,” she whispered in protest.

“She asked to be alone, my dear. And John is here to watch over her.”

She nodded reluctantly and they left the room, both of them looking back over their shoulders one last time before stepping out.

The door closed, and I only managed two normal breaths before my lungs tightened and my breathing suddenly sped up. I closed my eyes and pressed a hand to my mouth. The frantic puffs of breath rushed over my knuckles in irregular beats. It wasn’t until that moment that I recognized how much I’d been holding myself together for the sake of my mother. But now the fear, anger and confusion that I’d been trying to ignore was bubbling up whether I wanted it to or not.

I hummed as I tried to control my breathing and gain my composure. I rolled my shoulders in an effort to ease the aching tension that knotted the middle of my back.

Something touched my shoulder, startling me.

My eyes popped open and I saw John crouched in front of me.

I swiped frantically at the tears that wet my cheeks. “I’m fine,” I assured him with a wave of my hand. “I’m fine.”

John put a hand to my cheek. “It’s me, Rose. You don’t need to pretend for me.”

I smiled even as tears blurred my vision again. “She feels so guilty,” I said.

“Who? Your mother?”

I nodded. “I think she is trying to make up for all the years we were not together. And it’s been wonderful,” I insisted. “It really has. But today…” I dropped my gaze to my lap and shook my head sadly. “I don’t have the energy to make her feel better. Not right now.”

“And you shouldn’t have to.”

“But I really am fine, and I don’t want her to think otherwise.”

“Yes, you are well…” He caught my eye before continuing, “but also you’re really not.”

His words hit me with force and resonated in my chest. And yet, logically, they didn’t make sense. “I’m not?”

He shook his head. “No one would be fine after what you’ve been through.”

“But I’m not hurt.”