Page 57 of The Starling and the Hatter

She shrugged. “She’s easy to love. She won us all over.”

I grunted. “That’s not how I love her, Kat.”

“Oh, I know. I think we’ve all known for quite a while that she was meant for you.”

Her matter-of-fact words gave me hope, but it quickly evaporated. “If only she believed that,” I said with a bitter smile.

“She’s broken, Hatch,” Kat said with her customary brutal compassion. “Broken people often take longer to recognize real love. But I think she will.”

“But will it be too late?” I asked.

“She’ll come back. I know she will. She just needs some room to realize how much we all love her.” She gave a little lift of her shoulder. “Maybe she needs to miss you before she can recognize her own feelings.”

I turned away, hating that I couldn’t share her optimism. “I used to think she’d come around,” I admitted, lowering myself to sit on the ground, suddenly too tired to do anything else. “I thought if I was just patient enough…but then White comes along and she just goes to him without hesitation.” Bitterness closed my throat as I thought of the months of doubt and suspicion she’d had about me when we’d met. Yet this man, a man who came from a past that she’d run from—this man had her full, unfettered attention and trust. I dropped my head, cradling it in my hands. “I think I’m going mad.” It felt like madness. Need and jealousy and want all rolled together to make me question my own feelings and motivations. Did I not like White because he truly wasn’t good enough for her? Or did I not like him simply because I didn’t want her to be with anyone but me?

19

Elise

The Pruetts had planned to leave first thing Saturday morning. But after I’d arrived at their tiny cottage, it was clear by the havoc and the children running around half-dressed that our departure would be delayed. We got on the road just after noon.

By evening, after only half a day of travel, the aching in my feet and my shoulders made me wonder if I were nothing but a fool for doing this. In my more pessimistic moments, as I trudged beside the Pruetts’ wagon, I berated myself for leaving the Hatchers. My life with them had been so much better than I would have ever dared to hope for. Perhaps that was why I felt the need to leave. Such easy happiness couldn’t possibly last, so it was best that I leave—even temporarily—on my own terms. That way they could really decide if my presence was a burden or not. That way they could work on the shop while I continued to earn money, and Hatcher could chase any girl he liked without worrying about me. He’d said someone had caught his eye, so he should pursue her…he should.

Meanwhile, I would be brave and ask Robert to give us a chance. I was a born festival rat, and I needed to reclaim everything that meant. I would show him that I appreciated the excitement and adventure he lived. And maybe I wasn’t as brave as he was, but I wanted to be, and I was trying to be. Right now! Right now, trudging along, traveling with the Pruetts and their chattering children to go find him, this was me being adventurous. I was creating my own excitement. Perhaps when he saw that I’d been brave enough to accept his riddled invitation and leave the Hatchers, he would see that we had a chance.

A chance for what? I wasn’t sure. A first kiss? I certainly hoped so. A life together? It was too soon for me to want anything so enormous as an entire life with Robert, but I was desperate to know him better, to see if we could be something. I wanted him to want me and to appreciate me, and if I ever hoped to be ready for a life with him, I had to take this chance, didn’t I? I had to show him that I wanted to see more of the wide world. With him.

So I kept trudging.

We stopped for the night. I slept terribly, but I tried to be optimistic as we set out Sunday morning with the expectation that we would arrive in Stormbrook that afternoon. Unfortunately, we were delayed by a broken wagon wheel just after we set out. I couldn’t believe my luck. Mr. Pruett and his son had to walk the wheel all the way back to Dressle to have it repaired, and then walk it back while Mrs. Pruett and I camped on the side of the road with the two younger children all day Sunday. Our journey that should have taken a day ended up taking more than three.

We made it to Stormbrook late Monday night, after everyone had retired to their tents and wagons. The spot we found for the Pruetts to set up shop was not a good one, but it would have to do, and set-up would have to wait for the morning. We were all obliged to bed down for the night.

With so many things going awry, it was difficult to sleep. The Stormbrook festival had already been under way for two days, but at least I had arrived, and in the morning I could finally look for Robert. I could show him just how much I wanted to take on adventures with him.

When I woke, I rushed through eating and readying for the day. I didn’t put my costume on, too anxious to find Robert. But as I searched the faces in the crowds, my excitement waned. Where was he?

After an entire morning spent looking for him and not finding him, I had to go retrieve my costume and start singing. I did my best not to become disheartened, hoping perhaps my singing would draw him in, that he would recognize my voice and come looking for me.

Except he didn’t.

It wasn’t until that evening that I spoke to someone who knew where he was.

Not here.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I pressed my fingers into my closed eyes, “Do you mean to say that he left the area? That he’s gone somewhere else entirely?” Again?

The young acrobat grimaced. “I’m afraid so, miss.”

I turned away, breathing deeply through my nose in an attempt to keep my temper in check. Then I turned back to him. “Thank you,” I managed to say, and then headed toward the Pruetts’ camp.

He had left. Again. He had gone ahead. Again.

I wanted to scream. Why couldn’t that man just sit still? Didn’t he know there was virtue to predictability and being where you were supposed to be? Especially when young ladies were wanting to confess their feelings for you?

I was such an idiot!

After hearing the news, I stomped off into the forest and screamed into my skirts. What was I supposed to do now? I sat down in the crunchy leaves and lay my forehead on my knees, trying not to think of the time and energy I’d wasted on coming here. What should I do now? What did I want to do?