Page 91 of Songs for Libby

“How can it be both?” He shook the door handle and pounded once on the door.

I shut my eyes, wincing. Hating that I had done something so unfair to him. But I tried to answer the question. “It’s both because I did want to kiss you. I do want to kiss you.”

“Then come out here and let me kiss you!”

“I can’t!” I cried, hugging my belly. “It comes with too much guilt, and too much confusion. It feels so right and so wrong all at the same time. If we’re ever going to be together, I don’t want to feel guilty about it.”

He didn’t argue back, but I heard the distinct thump of his forehead hitting my door. Finally he said, “Do you think that’s even possible? Do you think any of the firsts you have after Jonas are going to feel right? Or do you think maybe…”

I held my breath, waiting.

“Maybe you just need to jump in? Rip off the Band-aid? Wade through the…conflict?”

I winced. “I’m not going to use you as an experiment. You don’t deserve that.”

“I’m asking for it!” He pounded on the door again. “I’m asking you to be brave enough to let me love you!”

“I can’t lose you as a friend, Sean.”

“Then trust me when I say I will always be here. I will always be your friend.”

He paused, maybe waiting for me to respond, but I didn’t have the words. Not yet. I didn’t know if I could be that brave, if I could risk what felt like the most vital relationship I had.

“We’ll always be friends, Libs. But we could also be so much more.”

I got up and walked over to the door. But I didn’t open it. I wasn’t ready to open it yet. Instead I laid my head against it. “I’m sorry,” I said through the door.

“Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I’m being unfair to you. I’m sorry that I used you just now.”

“How did you use me?” He sounded genuinely confused.

“I was…extra sad. And I just wanted to feel something good.”

Silence for a moment, then, “And did it feel good?” There was a teasing note to his voice now.

I laughed through the tears that continued to threaten, then nodded to myself. “Yes. It was…” The feeling of being kissed by Sean swept over me again, leaving my heart thrumming and wishing for more. But all those good feelings were quickly chased by the guilt.

So I stayed put, my head and my hand pressed to the door that I couldn’t bring myself to open.

After several minutes of strained silence, I heard a deep sigh. “I’m going to go pick up something to eat, okay?”

I swallowed hard, then forced myself to talk. “Okay. Thank you.”

The sound of his footsteps retreated, and I heard the back door open and close.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

The look in your eye as your finger traced my jaw

The sadness that swam in those pools of blue

I want to heal the hurt and fill the flaws

I could make you whole, just let me love you

—Sean Amity