Page 119 of Songs for Libby

Sweet Libby, please forgive me

Shine bright, my star, shine on

My hope for absolution

Is a pained goodbye from Sean

I let the paper slip from my numb fingers, unsurprised but utterly betrayed.

I broke down sobbing, my hands pressed to my eyes as I stood alone in that guest house that I had hoped would only be a temporary place for Sean to stay before we were able to knit our lives together under one roof, with one last name.

The pain of it made me double over, my hand reaching out for the arm of the couch to keep myself upright. The pounding in my head came back, the Tylenol not enough to dull the pain under normal circumstances, much less in this moment when I felt like the world was collapsing in on me. I sank to the ground, leaning my shoulder into the front of the couch as my energy drained and I slowly went numb.

I sat there, limp, for a long time. Long enough that I started to wonder if Joanie would need me soon, but I decided that Nick would be smart enough to come find me if she woke up howling. A bitter laugh burst from my lips. Nick the bodyguard/babysitter. I would need to start paying him more. How much did he get paid anyway? And would Sean keep paying Nick to do his job if he was gone? Would I even need protection anymore? Now that Sean had left me…

Sean had left me.

I was alone. Again. I blinked slowly, my face almost numb to the sensation of silent tears pouring down it. Even knowing it was coming. Even though I’d suspected the worst and tried to prepare for it, I wasn’t. I was not prepared for this. I shouldn’t have had to be prepared for this.

Eventually my hurt coiled into anger and I pulled out my phone and snapped a photo of the paper lying on the floor. Then I sent it to Sean in a text with the words, After everything we’ve been through, this is how you choose to go? Coward!

He was a coward, and I was calling him on it. I understood the impulse to protect me by leaving. I just always thought he would know better than to follow it.

I stared at the screen. Willing the three little dots to appear.

They didn’t.

♪♫♪

I hardly slept that night. My entire body ached. A horrid concoction of pain from the accident, from being strapped to that backboard, from the crying. Everything hurt. But I think my heart had taken the worst beating. I wanted to keep Joanie in bed with me so I wouldn’t feel so alone, but I was afraid my tossing and turning would keep her awake, or end up smothering her. So instead I pulled her bassinet right next to my bed so that I could reach over and rest my hand on her tiny frame whenever the darkness welled up inside, threatening to pull me under.

I kept having flashbacks of those first nights without Jonas, when there was nothing but loneliness to warm my bed.

It ached.