Page 83 of Just for Tonight

“And for how long.”

“Precisely.”

“Well, that’s got to be better than not scheduling any sex.”

“True.” I smile. “But she made me realize how much I appreciate spontaneity.”

“What went wrong?”

“I ignored the time slot where I was scheduled to propose.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want to. I also didn’t understand how or why it would take an hour, when sex took half that much time, but details.”

Mackenzie laughs. “But why not? Other than the spontaneity thing, you said you two were good together.”

I wouldn’t confess this to anyone else, but this is Mackenzie and I know that somehow, in some way, she’s asking me to help her make a choice. I’m tempted to shout ‘walk away’ just on principle, but it’s not my place to do that. I can’t decide for her.

I might be able to help with her choice, though.

I take a breath. “Chelsea and I were seemingly perfect for each other. People thought we were two halves who had found each other. We thought the same way for a while.”

“But?” Mackenzie invites.

I sigh. “We wanted different things in the immediate future.”

“Kids?”

“White wedding, kids, house, dog, cottage, winter vacations to all-inclusive resorts, etc., etc.”

“I’ll guess she was a big yes to that assortment.”

“And I was a bit less enthused. It seems so average to want the same thing as everyone else.”

She laughs again, not troubled by my confession, and I smile. “You could have discussed that, maybe compromised or made a new plan.”

“We could have. Maybe I should have.”

“But you didn’t, Jake. Why?”

I hesitate. I don’t want to make this confession aloud, because the next conclusion is obvious. Then I figure why not. Keeping everything to myself my entire life hasn’t gotten me where I want to be. Why not just tell the truth?

We have no relationship.

I have no stake in a future with Mackenzie.

Of all the people in all the world, she’s the safest one to confide in. I’ll probably never talk to her again.

“I didn’t love her,” I say, my voice husky.

“Ouch. No softening the blow from Jake. Did you tell her that? Because that would have been an asshole thing to do.”

“Would it?” I demand, my temper rising. “Is it wrong to tell someone the truth of your feelings? I think honesty is the least thing you owe anyone you hold in any regard.”

“Well, I…” Mackenzie begins, but it’s too late. I’m on a roll.

“If I had loved her, I would have done anything for her,” I reply, my words crisp. “If I’d loved her, I would have done anything in my power to make her happy, and probably reached for some things beyond my power. I would have worked to be a better person and a better partner and I would have given everything to build a future with her, just to be with her. I would have moved fucking mountains. But I didn’t love Chelsea, so I didn’t even negotiate. It was too easy to imagine life without her and I don’t regret a single thing.” I take a breath. “For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think she loved me either. I just fit the qualifications for the next task on her To Do list, and that wasn’t nearly good enough to shape the rest of my life.”