Page 34 of A Well-Trained Lady

“By informing me how miserable I make others.”

His expression softened. “Forgive me. I meant no offense.”

We sat in silence, and my thoughts involuntarily moved through the countless times I had been the one who had felt deficient. He was correct that nearly all had been caused by comparison of some sort—what I perceived I lacked or what I was informed I lacked by another. How I despised that feeling. That feeling had been one of my greatest motivations to work unceasingly at becoming the lady I was—a lady that rarely felt inferior or overlooked. A lady that deserved consideration and love. And I had accomplished it. I had achieved near perfection in Society’s eyes, if not Mother’s yet. And what greater scale was there in determining your own worth than others’ reactions to you?

The knotting in my stomach contradicted my conclusion. I took a clarifying breath, sensing Augustus’s regard on me. My heart raced, and I knew it was a warning cry, an attempt to stop my foolish desire of admitting what I had discovered during my moment of self-reflection. “I—” No. I would not let him affect me. I would not let him discover the truth about who I had become.

“What is it?”

I shook my head, casting my gaze to my hands. “Imagining for an instant that what you say is correct, what is to be done other than diminishing oneself for another’s comfort?”

“Never diminish yourself.”

I lifted my gaze, perplexed by his apparent contradiction.

“Think of the people you enjoy being around. What is it about them that makes their company desirable?”

I exhaled, allowing a hasty attempt to latch on to any of my peers who met his criteria. I thought to offer up Lord Thorton as an example, but decided against it after considering that what I liked best about him was how superior he made me feel. After ruminating for too long, I met his gaze and gave a timid shrug of my shoulders.

There was discernment in his expression. “How does Ruth make you feel?”

Of course. Ruth. Why had I not thought of her? “I suppose she makes me feel appreciated.”

He nodded but said nothing.

I did not care to give more, but the image of Ruth’s bright eyes lightened my heart. “She encourages me and accepts me.” I paused. “She makes me feel valued without condition.” Tears threatened my composure, but I forced the odd sensation away.

A smile touched Augustus’s lips. “It is one of the things I adore most about Ruth—her willingness to treat people as they deserve—often better than they deserve. She somehow overlooks differences and simply finds something to admire about everyone.”

“But I am not Ruth.” Nor could I be. Amid the circles I moved in, it would undeniably ruin my reputation if I were to follow her haphazard example, however well-intentioned she was.

“I’m not telling you to be Ruth. You can encourage others in your own way.”

I feigned disinterest. “Learning to elevate another without a purpose is not a lesson often encountered in a young lady’s training.”

He paused. “But, thankfully for you, it needn’t be taught. You have always been—”

“I’m not that girl anymore.” I looked away, surprised at my own admission.

“I don’t believe that.” His voice was a near whisper. “Do you remember the time when one of your family’s tenant farmers brought his daughter along to Fellerton? The little girl with the black hair and blue eyes?”

I warmed at the memory. “Yes. Elaina.”

Augustus smiled. “Remember how she watched you tirelessly, though she refused to speak to any of us? Despite your encouragement and Ruth’s persistent questions?”

“If only Elaina’s father would have mentioned she was deaf sometime before they were leaving, then we might have better persuaded her to join our game.”

“But when he did tell us, what did you do?”

“You know very well what I did. And it was hardly a sacrifice. I was growing too old for dolls anyway.”

“You didn’t simply give her a doll, you gave her Emily. Your favorite doll.”

My lips parted, utterly amused by his admission. “You recall her name?”

Augustus chuckled. “That was not my point. It was supposed to be that you have one of the kindest hearts I have ever known. Perhaps you simply need to be reminded of it.” As his hand moved atop mine, the warmth of his skin was both alarming and unnervingly desired. I drew in a breath, allowing the familiar sensation to settle over me. And for an instant, I allowed myself to believe that I was once again the carefree, kind-hearted girl he had known.

“There you are, Augi!” Ruth passed the far side of the settee with Sarah in her wake. “We looked everywhere for you and here you were all along—” She stopped mid-step, thrusting out her arm to halt Sarah as well. She looked at our hands, and I pulled mine free of Augustus’s. “Were the two of you just holding hands?”