Page 38 of Peaches & Pistols

“One year, she dressed up as a WWE wrestler, and I dressed up as a superhero, and we looked nearly identical. Complete with underwear on the outside of our pants and horrendous masks.”

Greyson’s smile stuns me from across the small room. He catches me, witnessing him not being his stoic-self, and lets his smile slowly drop, but it remains in the twinkle of his eyes.

“Anyway, the girls came home from school with their Friday folders, each with a flyer for Trunk-or-Treat at the high school.”

Snow and frigid temperatures on Hallows Eve are nearly guaranteed, and my heart initially warmed that the kids would still get to trick-or-treat regardless of weather.

“Immediately after getting in the car, they were prattling off costume ideas. That’s when it hit me square in the chest.” I tuck my legs under me and wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to turtle for protection.

“I never forget my sister’s gone. Some days, it’s a dull throb without sharp edges. But other days, like today, her absence feels like a vital piece of me has been carved out with a jagged knife. The pain is all-consuming and impossible to push down.”

“You don’t have to go. Liv usually comes along with me and Harper. We could take Everly, if you’re comfortable with it,” Greyson offers.

Letting Everly out of my sight, especially on a night of tricks and hidden identities is unfathomable.

“I’ll be there,” I say too quickly.

Greyson nods slowly.

“I’m going to make Everly’s costume, like I do every year, and was fretting over asking you if Harper might like me to make one for her? I don’t want to overstep or take away any traditions you have with her.”

His huff isn’t much of a laugh, more an exhalation of something painful.

“I’m not a fun dad. The only reason Harper has such incredible holiday memories is because of my sister and the Andersens. Liv or Cecelia usually takes her to Steamboat Springs to a pop-up costume shop to pick out some polyester character costume.”

The fact that Harper has years filled with joyful memories warms my heart. I know I’m hard on myself as a mother, but Greyson takes parental guilt to another level. I don’t understand why he considers himself to be an inadequate father when what I’ve witnessed is unconditional, tireless love for his daughter.

Any child would be blessed to have Greyson Clark as their dad.

“I’m…blown away you want to include Harper and put in all that time and effort for her to have a handmade costume.” He scowls at me, which makes me smile.

“I’d really love to, if it’s something she wants.”

Just offering has lightened the grief crushing my chest.

“Why don’t you ask her tomorrow? I’m happy so long as she’s happy, but I’d bet my last dollar she says yes.”

He stands from the couch, stretching thick arms over his head revealing a strip of taut abdomen. If the room was fully lit, he’d be able to see the way my eyes are lolling out of my head.

Greyson just stands there for a minute, like he wants to say something. His eyes flit down to meet mine in the shadowed room, gleaming with something I can’t describe but sends butterflies aloft in my stomach.

“G’night, Mia,” he says into the darkness as he retreats down the hall.

Once my heart rate and breathing return to normal, I float to my bedroom and slide back into bed with my little munchkin.

I don’t know how, but I got a part of myself back tonight. A part of me that’s been long dead and buried beneath years of grief and self-preservation.

Sleep still eludes me, but instead of turmoil, I’m kept awake by a fireworks show of costume ideas.

By dawn, I’m ready to make this the best Halloween Everly and Harper have ever had.

“You made these?” Izzy’s fingers dance over Everly’s costume.

“They’re incredible!” Delilah gushes, admiring Harper’s.

“I’ll pay you to make me one next year.” Izzy’s spark of excitement gives me hope that I might be around next year.

“Oh, me too! Ooo! We could go as a group! What could we do as four girls?” Livy says a mile a minute.