Page 86 of Flirting with Trouble

“I’ve never told anyone about that fight except Seth. I was too ashamed.”

“You’ve held it in for all these years? No wonder you’ve been so conflicted.” He hugs me against his side. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Couples fight. As special as it is that you and Harvey managed not to raise your voices most of the time, that doesn’t make raising them a malicious act.”

“I know. I just hate that it happened.”

“I hate it for you.” He kisses my temple. “I’ve never lost someone that close to me, but after just four days of missing you, I can’t imagine losing the man you built a life with.”

I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling like a huge burden had been lifted. “I could barely get out of bed for the first couple of weeks. I tried to push everyone away, and then I buried myself in work. But my family wasn’t having any of it. My parents called all the time, trying to get me to talk to a therapist or come stay with them. Clay was busy with his football career, but he’d come by every time he had a break, and he texted all the time. Noah did the same, but Seth checked on me every day, and Flynn basically parked his ass at my place until I found my footing. I was so irritated with them. All I wanted was to grieve my way.”

“By disappearing from everyone who loves you? A self-imposed penance?”

“Pretty much. Then one day Seth asked me what Harvey would think if he could see me, and that changed everything. I knew Harvey would be disappointed, and I felt like I owed it to him to make him proud, so I went to therapy, and after a few months I thought I had it all figured out.”

I turn so I can see his face. “Then I met you, and you awakened parts of me that I had stowed away before I even met Harvey. I’m not the same person with you as I was with him. I never realized how much of myself I’d set aside in order to work on my career and then my marriage and to fit into those roles. But with you, I never think about how or if I fit in. I’m just myself, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a chance to just be me before.”

“I like everything about you, Vic.”

“I’m glad, because I like everything about you, too, but you might change your mind after you hear what I’m about to say.”

“I doubt that. But you can give it your best shot.”

I smile, thankful he’s not running scared yet, but I know this might do it. “I went through therapy, as I said, and I’m not living in some fantasyland thinking Harvey’s coming back. I’ve dealt with losing him, and thanks to Seth and Flynn, I’ve had a closet full of boxes and packing supplies for years just waiting to be used, but I never got rid of Harvey’s things. I kept putting it off, and I guess I got used to seeing them. His stuff is everywhere, and when you suggested we stay there, I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I wanted to, but I panicked. I mean, how do I tell a guy who I’m crazy about that my late husband’s clothes are still in the closet, his candy dish is by the couch, and his favorite books are on the shelves?”

Compassion brims in his eyes. “The way you just did. If you’d told me that Friday night, I probably would’ve gone back to my hotel with you, and maybe we could have talked about it. But I’m at fault, too. I couldn’t see past my own pain that night. When I saw the fear in your eyes, I thought I’d misread everything, and I was just a fun distraction for you.”

“You weren’t, and I hate that I made you feel that way.”

“I know that now, but we all have insecurities, and what do I know about relationships?”

“You know more than I do. You do all the right things. You’re the only person who has ever made me want to step outside my weird, insular world and really try to move forward.” I take his hand. “But today I realized how unfair I’ve been to you. I’ve spent my life trying to prove myself to everyone else and myself. At first with grades and fitting in, then building my agenting career, and eventually proving I wasn’t a gold digger. And after Harvey died, I had to prove I deserved to run the business.”

I soften my tone with my next confession. “I was afraid of what the people who knew Harvey would think of me if they knew we were dating. That’s why I kept our relationship to myself and let them believe the happiness they saw in me was caused by my scouting talent again. That was wrong of me, and I’m really sorry. I love who you are, and I’m proud to be with you. I just didn’t know how to handle it, but I will. I promise.”

“I appreciate you telling me, and I understand why you did it. Once you’re seen as a good-time guy, it’s not easy to keep it up or live it down.”

Another pang of heartache hits me. “You shouldn’t have had to live it down with me.”

“Yes, I should have. You knew me as that guy before you got to know the real me. Hell, before I got to know the real me.”

“You did come on pretty strong,” I say teasingly, glad the heartache is lifting.

“I know a good thing when I see it.” He lifts my hand and kisses the back of it.

“I’m glad you didn’t give up on me, but the truth is, you showed me who you were the first night we were together. I was just too scared to admit it to myself. But I don’t want to hide anything anymore. I know better than anyone that there’s no promise of tomorrow, and I don’t want to go another day wishing things were different. I want to let you into every part of my life, and I will if you still want to be there. But it’s scary. I’ve held on to Harvey’s things all this time because I love him, but more so because, as you said, it’s like penance. The thing is, it’s been so long, I’m not sure who I’ll be without it, and I know that sounds crazy.”

“No, it doesn’t. It sounds honest, and I’d like nothing more than to be the guy you try to figure that out with.”

Relief swamps me, and I lean in to kiss him. As our mouths come together, so do all the shattered pieces of my heart.

We sit with our feet in the sand as the sun goes down. I remember with a start that Wells left work to talk to me. “Do you need to get back to work?”

“No. Do you have to get back to the city tonight, or do I get you all to myself?”

“Actually, I don’t have to be back at work until Monday. I asked my director of operations, Padma, to cover for me. I figured I was either going to go home brokenhearted and hole up with eight gallons of ice cream until Leni’s wedding on Saturday, or we’d make up and I wouldn’t want to leave.”

He flashes a seductive grin that spurs those butterflies to life. “Good. Then you’re mine for the weekend.”

“You have no idea how perfect that sounds, but I came from work, remember? I left everything at home. I don’t even have my toothbrush or any extra clothes.”