Page 110 of Little Miss Fortune

And I get so angry with everything. If he really believes in his fate the same way I believe that his luck will make him enter remission after his first course of chemo, we are at an impasse. I don’t know how to fix this, and one might say it’s not my responsibility to do so. But if I fail, I can make things so much worse.

‘What are you eating?’ Maahni walks by, her kitten heels clicking on the floor.

‘Japanese katsu curry.’

‘Nice! Did you buy it from Itsu or Kokoro or something?’

‘No, I made it.’

‘You can make Japanese food?’

‘Yeah.’ Fawzia comes in. ‘She made me some last time as well.’

‘Why do you know how to make Japanese food?’

‘I am Japanese.’

‘But you don’t look Japanese, at all.’

Fawzia snorts out a guffaw at the audacity. I do not share the humour, snapping, ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’

It’s come out more aggressively than I wanted, with Fawzia holding onto my elbow with caution. I shake her off.

‘I just didn’t think you were Japanese, silly.’ Maahni bulges her eyes out and looks at Fawzia for reassurance.

The only other Asian girl in the office and she decides to challenge me today? Nah, I’m not having that. ‘What, do I need to speak with a Japanese accent for you? Or wear a kimono? How the fuck am I meant to take that weird comment? And stop calling me silly.’

I huff out an angry sigh and cross my arms. Maahni wobbles on her feet and runs out of the kitchen with tears in her eyes.

This is really not my proudest moment, but I do not know how I am meant to exercise patience and understanding when every solution to my current problem—Toby fucking dying—is unattainable. If he didn’t care for me enough to get treatment when we were still together, why would he suddenly change his mind now that he’s ended things to die in peace?

‘What on earth—’ Fawzia starts.

‘Toby has cancer, and he broke up with me,’ I interrupt before I get a lecture. The immediate shame and guilt stir within. It’s really wrong of me to air his business like this, but I do not know what else to do.

‘I know.’

‘You know?’

‘About the cancer part. You remember my sister? She is an oncological nurse and can’t drive because of her epilepsy. I picked her up one day and saw Toby coming out of the unit. Stopped him, asked a few questions. I wasn’t meant to know.’

‘So, you knew.’ I repeat for no one but myself.

‘Yeah.’

I run my fingers through my hair. It’s coarse, dry, but somehow oily and knotty. Did I brush my hair today? I don’t think I did. I forgot to brush my own hair this morning.

‘I don’t know what to do. He won’t get treatment. And he broke up with me.’

‘We will workshop something together. But I would go and apologise to your colleague first. You can’t do things right when you are actively doing wrong,’ she says. Then she adds, ‘She deserved it, though.’

Hollow sobs are echoing in the corridor from the women’s toilets. Seana is embracing Maahni when I walk in, giving me the dirtiest look her sweet demeanour could ever produce.

‘Hey, Seana, is it okay if I speak to Maahni for a second?’

Seana looks at the girl and releases her only after she gives her a meek nod. I am certain that she is weighing whether to barge me in the shoulder and somewhat wishes she killed me off with that almond cheesecake.

‘I am sorry for snapping at you. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and your comment just sent me over the edge.’