Page 61 of City of Liars

“I think she’s gone,” I told Theo, my voice hushed. “If she was ever here at all.”

Theo segued into another melody, shaking his head, as if all this was too much for him to handle. I didn’t blame him. “Theo,” I said, watching him, “this is going to sound off-the-wall, but…what if the journal I saw in my dream, the one Charles was writing in, really exists?”

His fingers stilled on the keys, then resumed. “It was a dream, Liv.”

“But maybe it wasn’t only a dream,” I argued. “It felt so real. He kept saying forgive me, like he felt guilty about something. And look what just happened. Look what’s been happening, with the photos and your dream and Bye Bye, Blackbird. My dad donated a ton of stuff to the New York Historical Society when we moved my grandma to Wilmington; I’m going to call them tomorrow morning and ask them if they have any of Charles’s journals.”

Theo’s lips curved, and the pace of the melody he was playing sped up. “Okay, Nancy Drew,” he said, his voice soft, teasing.

I hated to break the peace that had sprung up between us, but it had to be said. I drew a deep breath for courage. “Theo…what your mother said about you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

The piano’s melody didn’t change, but his shoulders set and his jaw clenched.

“If it’s just that you’re a private person, I can understand and respect that,” I said. “But what worries me is that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. That you thought I’d use it against you, somehow, the way your mom did.”

His head jerked up, and his eyes met mine, a startled expression in their depths. “I trust you,” he said, the words coming slowly, as if they surprised him.

“Really? Because everything we’ve been through—all the times we’ve talked about your great-grandmother and your mom’s depression—and you kept your own from me. How come?”

His hands tensed on the keys. “Can we drop this?”

My voice caught. “Friends tell each other things, Theo. Especially the important ones.”

“Friends?” he repeated, like he’d never heard the word before.

“Yes, friends. I mean, unless we’re not.”

Despite the tenor of our conversation, his mouth quirked at the corners. “We’re friends, Liv. Sure.”

“Okay, fine.” I folded my arms over my breasts. “Then, why?”

“Because.” He stood, stepping out from behind the piano. A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I didn’t want you to think I was broken.”

40

Theo

Liv stared at me. “You’re not broken, Theo. How can you say that?”

“Because.” I stalked over to the fireplace, grabbed the lighter, and ignited the pile of logs. The flames licked at the wood, consuming it.

“You don’t know how bad it can get,” I said, staring into their depths. “You’ve only seen me when I’m basically okay. But trust me. When I’m hyperventilating in the middle of Target because it’s too crowded, or staring at the ceiling for two days in a row because I can’t hack getting out of bed, you’ll change your mind.”

“Why would I care about you any less because of that?” She sounded genuinely confused.

I spun to face her, bewildered. What was she not getting here? “Because! I saw what it did to my great-grandmother. My grandmother. My mother. I would never dump that on anyone else. No one should have to deal with it.”

“Will deals with it,” she pointed out.

“He’s my brother!”

“Yes, and he loves you. From what you’ve said, he hardly thinks you’re a burden. Nor do I.” She shrugged. “All this stuff about not dating because you think love is a bunch of crap…I think you’re full of it, Theo. I think you don’t want to fall in love, because you’re afraid you’ll inflict this—what did your mom call it? A demon? Talk about absurd—on the person you care about, and your kids, too.”

She was starting to sound like Will. “Who the hell said anything about kids?”

Liv met my eyes, her gaze clear and implacable. “You did great with Chloe. And you love Caiden.”

“That’s different. Chloe’s yours. It’s easy to hang out with a kid for an afternoon. And Will is a great dad, with none of the...the fuckedupedness of me.” I gestured at myself, beginning to get pissed off. What about this whole scenario was she failing to understand?