Page 45 of Saved By the Pitcher

“Maybe you need to let others help you sometimes, the way you help the old man out front. James, there’s nobody here but us. We’re safe. Trust me not to do something stupid with what you tell me. I think you should get it off your chest.”

James contemplated her words, then rose from the chair and offered it to her. “If you mean that, then you should make yourself comfortable. There’s a lot to tell.”

She took the seat, bracing the arms as if awaiting an electrocution. James paced and she let him wander about the room until he was ready to speak.

“My father had his goons beat up my brother,” James blurted. He turned to see Emily gasp and let her mouth drop open. She remained silent, though, knowing there was more. “My father told me everything this morning. He did it to hurt Billy and me. Billy had just bought an engagement ring for his biracial girlfriend, and my father found out. He wasn’t happy about it. They took the ring. The beating they gave him was to punish me for dating a man. My father knew Billy taking blows for me would hurt me more than if I had ended up in the emergency room myself.”

“Oh my God, James. That’s horrible!”

“What he did, or me dating a man?” James asked, unsure what or whom he could trust anymore.

“James, you know me better than that. Of course, I’m talking about what your father did. Nobody here would think anything of you dating a man. More than half the show’s male actors are in relationships with men. It’s Mike Cooper, the baseball player, isn’t it?”

That caused James a moment of panic. “What? Why would you say that?”

Emily smiled. “When he announced he’s bisexual, and it coincided with that photo of you and him at the Yankees game, you seemed happy for the first time. It made some of us pay more attention the couple of times he came backstage to see you. Mike Cooper seemed like a man with a mission, and we were hoping that mission was bringing some happiness into your life.”

James wiped his still-damp face. “Please don’t tell anyone, Emily. I’m breaking up with him anyway.”

“Why? Maybe your father will come around.”

“Having Billy beaten wasn’t an aberration. In the past, my father had me institutionalized for bad-mouthing him in an interview. He financially destroyed a man that had the bravery to date me a couple of years ago. When I first started this show, my father told me I had better not use interviews to criticize him or his party, or he’d use his connections to have the show shut down. If people wonder why I don’t speak out against him, that’s why. He’d hurt you. He’d hurt anyone he deems to be a threat to his interests.”

“James, I had no idea…”

“I should never have taken this part. Everyone I meet and everything I touch is endangered by my presence. I just don’t know what to do anymore, except I know I need to break up with Mike.” James grimaced, looking down at the floor. “I can’t let my father hurt him or anyone else I care about. It’s killing me, of course. I like him so much, and the thought of crushing him by telling him I don’t want him is making me sick.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell him the truth?”

James frowned. “Because if he knows the truth, he’ll try to fight my father. Mike’s that kind of guy. He wouldn’t win, though, and there’d be lots of people who’d get hurt during the battle.”

Emily shook her head, also looking down at the floor, obviously frustrated she had no advice to offer. “James, I’m so sorry. Do you think maybe you could go to the police?”

James barked a sarcastic laugh. “The police? I don’t know who in the NYPD is dirty and who isn’t. They’ve already turned a blind eye to my brother’s assault. You don’t understand—he has his fingers in with bad cops, organized crime and every dirty politician sitting in office.”

“What if you went public with everything?” Emily suggested.

He shook his head. “It would be my word against his. The word of a son who was once committed for mental health issues versus the upstanding politician. I didn’t realize it when he first had me admitted as punishment, but he set the stage to stave off future allegations I’d make. His quack physician friend documented that I had a persecution complex and imagined horrible things my father was doing.” It occurred to James that Emily might now wonder if the doctor was right. “Emily, I don’t have a mental illness. Everything I told you is true.”

Emily nodded. “I believe you. But I do see how he could spin it and make things worse for you.”

James walked over to his co-star and pulled her into a side-hug. “Thanks for listening, Emily. I know it doesn’t change anything, but you were right. It was a relief to let someone know. I can’t even tell my brother everything. There’s a part of Billy that still hopes our father loves him. It would devastate him to know he’d been beaten by some of Father’s thugs.”

“Jesus, James. Won’t Billy call you out for splitting with Mike Cooper? He must know you like the guy. He’s going to think you and Mike should stand up to your father to get what you want,” Emily reasoned.

“I thought about that,” James acknowledged. “After I’ve broken up with Mike, I’ll tell Billy that Mike dumped me. It’s like you said—if Billy knew the truth, he’d try to help me by telling Mike the real reason I broke up with him. Then I’d be right back to Mike trying to fight my father and Billy being unaware of the danger it puts him in. The only way this works is for Billy to believe Mike left me because he’s interested in someone else. That will bring out Billy’s protective streak and desire to break Mike’s nose, but he wouldn’t, knowing it would upset me. Absent the ability to wreak physical violence on Mike, Billy will just go silent on him. That would leave Mike none the wiser about the true reason I left him.”

“I hate this.” Emily moaned. “All the secrets you need to hold to protect everyone around you. It isn’t fair.”

James nodded. “Well, they’re not secrets from everyone anymore. Thanks for listening.”

Emily pulled him into another hug and kissed his cheek. “Somehow, some way, I believe things will get better for you, James. They must. I hope I’ll still know you and be friends with you when they do. I want to see you have the peace you deserve.”

James hugged her back. “Thanks, Emily.” He wanted that too, but figured the only way it would happen was if his father died. And try as he might, every time he wished for that, those hopes were washed away by a larger wave of guilt and remorse for harboring such hateful thoughts.

* * * *

James had been able to arrive home from his Tuesday night performance in time to have a late dinner with his brother and Nadia. He grimaced as Billy struggled to chew scrambled eggs and toast. The sight made him more determined about what he’d need to do the next day.