Page 57 of Lilies from Hell

The years have hardened my features. They turned me into someone lethal, but somehow the memories remain hidden in my head, coming out in my worst moments with distorted voices. I am cursed. The resentment and pain that still seeps into my bones after they stole her away from me are no more than fuel to push my madness to its limit.

Soon, my reflection is joined by someone else. Polina. Neither of us say anything for a long time. We just stand there watching the fireflies that barely light up a few plants, offering each other support based on silence and respect for personal space.

“How do you do it?” she blurts out, frowning. I look at her, urging her to speak. “You don’t drink, you don’t do drugs. How can you stand living in this hell?”

“I was born for this,” I say, throwing my cigarette on the ground, although that’s not entirely true.

The monster I am now was forged by my father with blood, sweat, and tears. By sending me to the military academy in Moscow he made sure to fracture my broken pieces even further. Until they were divided into so many parts that it was impossible to find them and put them back together. But even so, all the broken pieces of my soul had chosen her as their support to continue existing and not fade away. She is my fucking anchor and the reason why I’m still breathing.

Before the memories come flooding back, I notice her arm bruised from the heroin injections she secretly takes.

“But you shouldn’t do that, It only breaks you more. Maybe try to use that energy to fight back.”

“I will. I’ll fight for you. Always for you.” I almost choke on my own saliva. The way she looks at me through the reflection in the water only proves Denis was right. Shit.

“I don’t need you to do anything for me, Polina,” I say without looking her in the eyes.

She parts her lips, wanting to say something else that I’m not willing to hear as I head back to my room.

Norman stands up and offers me his hand to shake in greeting as soon as I enter the office. I refuse it and sit down in front of him, kicking away my dog and removing him from on top of my leg.

“Shut the fuck up,” I warn when he starts whining like a wounded stray dog. “We have guests.” My lips curl into a sneer.

“The quality of those livers was excellent. I’d like to order four more.”

“When?”

“In two days. Those gringo sons of bitches have me in their sights. I guess you already know that.”

“I know, and I don’t give a fuck,” I say, hiding a smile.

I’m mocking him to his face, and all he does is clench his jaw and look away. Fuck. I don’t need soft people like him right now.

“If you don’t mind, I have better things to do,” I murmur, about to get up and end our conversation, until he speaks again.

“This time I’d like them to be from someone younger. Around sixteen, perhaps.”

“The minimum age is eighteen, no less.” He forces a smile, trying to hide his discontent. I know he will get it anyway, but not from me. I have limits.

“All right. I’ll send one of my guys to pick them up.”

When I’m alone again I pick up the phone and dial Denis. He doesn’t take long to appear.

“I need you to get me four more for tomorrow,” I say in a low whisper. My attention focused on one of the photos of us that I still have on my phone from 4 years ago.

Lena is wearing a purple hat and her reddish hair is speckled with snowflakes. I’m behind her with my nose buried in her hair as I hold the camera to take the photo. Part of my smile is hidden between her neck and her hair, with only my eyes and hair clearly visible in the photo.

It was a cold winter night in Toronto. Lena and I had escaped for a few hours to an ice rink a little way out of town. It was late, so the building was closed to the public, but that didn’t stop us.

“Do you really think I can learn to skate with these things on my feet?”

“It’s easier than you think,” I said, holding her hips under her coat to make it easier for her to step onto the ice with her skates on.

Then I linked my fingers with hers and guided her across the rink. It wasn’t difficult for me to skate backwards. I looked over my shoulder from time to time, but most of the time I had my eyes fixed on her and the sparkle that highlighted the amazing green of her eyes.

When she got used to the blades, I went a little faster. Caught up in the adrenaline of the moment, she let out a squeal and started laughing, holding my fingers tighter. The smile on her lips had made me forget how to breathe and I lost my balance, falling onto the ice with her on top of me.

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I asked, leaning over her body to continue checking her without crushing her.