Page 43 of Everything Changes

“Yes.”

Carey flinched slightly, looking away. He didn’t speak, and Jase waited him out. God, he didn’t want to lose Carey. He needed him, and after so long believing there would never be anything more than friendship between them, he knew he was taking the risk of knocking down their new fragile relationship. But he was tired of trying to hide how he felt. He deserved to have his feelings acknowledged, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted. And Carey deserved to know the truth so he could make an informed decision about where they truly went from here.

Finally Carey sighed and looked at him again. “Jase, you know I love you, man.”

“But not in that way,” Jase finished. He wasn’t bitter, or angry, just matter-of-fact.

“I’m not gay, Jase,” Carey said almost wearily. “I don’t know if I can ever feel that way for you.”

“See, here’s the thing, Carey. I’ve had sex with men, I’ve had sex with women. I’ve never felt like this about a man before either, so do I call myself gay because I’ve fallen in love with you? I feel this way about you because you’re… you. Not because of the parts you have. It’s just you, Carey. It’s everything about you. Why do we need to label that as something or other? Why can’t it just be Jase in love with Carey? Me in love with you?”

To his credit, Carey held Jase’s gaze without flinching. “I need you in my life, Jase. And maybe that’s really selfish of me since I don’t know if I can give you what you want. But I don’t want to give you up. We’ve been through too much together. You’re the only one who really gets me, man.”

Jase nodded.

“Can you give me some time, Jase? I want to go home to Colorado and work and think. I don’t know where I want to go from here, I really don’t.”

“Carey, is it the thought of your work that’s holding you back? Because I can—”

“No, it isn’t just that. I just don’t know if I—I’m sorry, Jase. Can you just give me some time?”

Jase nodded, although he felt like his insides were shredding.

“And Jase, in the end, if all I can offer you is my friendship, will that be enough for you?” Carey asked gently. “The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”

Jase took a deep breath. “Carey, I’m only going to say this once. I have to, and then I’ll honor your wishes as best I can. Because I don’t ever want to lose you as a friend, and I’ll take whatever you want or are able to give me, okay? You’re too important to me and I will never pressure you, but I also deserve to have my feelings spoken aloud and acknowledged.”

Carey nodded, his eyes sad, but he didn’t look away. “You’re right, Jase.”

“I love you. I’ve loved you for so long, Carey.” Jase reached out a shaking hand to brush the backs of his fingers over Carey’s cheek. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, baby. Everything.” Jase turned his hand to cup Carey’s cheek and stroked his thumb along Carey’s full bottom lip briefly before he dropped his hand down to his side.

“Jase,” Carey whispered. “I know that I’m the luckiest man alive to have your love. You are one of the best men I’ve ever known.” It was his turn to cup Jase’s cheek, and Jase turned his face into Carey’s palm and kissed it. “Just give me some time, Jase. I need to process everything that’s happened this week, and I just need a little space. Do you understand? I care about you so much, so much, Jase. I desire you, and if it were just about sex, I would make love to you every night if I could.”

He gripped Jase’s hand in his. “But is that enough to build a lifetime on? How can I ask you to give up one single thing about your life here, Jase, when I’m not—”

“I understand what you’re trying to say, Carey,” Jase said, and the pain washing through him made him want to throw up. But he’d opened this door, and now they both had to go through it and see where that led. That old cliché rolled through his mind: If it’s meant to be, it will be. Give him time, dumbass.

Jase stood up and pulled Carey into his arms, holding him tightly. “Take the time you need, Carey. I’ll be here.”

They clutched each other for a few beats of silence, and then Carey pulled away. “I’m gonna get on the road, okay?”

Jase turned toward the front door, discreetly wiping his eyes. “I’ll carry your bags down.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jase.”

They walked slowly down the stairs to the sidewalk and up the block to where Carey’s SUV was parked at the curb. Every step felt to Jase like his legs were made from leaden weights, and his skin felt too tight on his bones, like it wanted to split open and spill everything inside him out onto the ground. He could feel his lips quivering and pressed them together tightly, stealing a look at Carey, noticing how pale he was. Jase was strangely gratified to see leaving wasn’t easy for Carey either, no matter what he’d said about needing space.

As they approached Carey’s car, the roaring in Jase’s ears got louder, and all he wanted to do was get back into his apartment before he fell completely apart. Carey popped open the back hatch, and Jase set Carey’s large duffle bag inside, plus the crutches Carey always brought with him on extended trips. Jase shut the hatch, trying to hide how his hands were shaking, and turned to face Carey.

He smiled, hoping the gesture didn’t look as ghastly as it felt, and said, “Drive safe, okay? Call or text when you get home?”

To his surprise, Carey took two steps forward and caught Jase in another tight hug. Jase clutched at him, burying his face in Carey’s sweet-smelling hair for a few precious seconds before forcing himself to let go and step back. They stared at each other for a moment before Carey slipped his sunglasses on, hiding those beautiful eyes, then caught Jase’s hand, squeezing it briefly before letting go and climbing into his car. Jase stood and watched until Carey’s taillights had disappeared around the corner.

And just like that, it was over.

CHAPTER 12

CAREY STOOD and saw the couple to the door, accepting their grateful hugs before stepping back into the small conference room and shutting the door. He’d been home in Colorado for a little more than a month now, back in the swing of things at the ranch. There was a marriage retreat in progress, and Carey’s peer counseling schedule was full.