Page 72 of Keeping a Warrior

“You don’t get to come in here and ruin good men’s careers...”

“Devon?”

“I was fucking one of the SEALs,” Devon ground out. “Enthusiastically, willingly.” She gave a bitter snort. “Frequently. It wasn’t a secret, we were just two people having a great time.”

“A deployment relationship.”

“Exactly.”

She’d known it wasn’t professional. People in a war zone were expected to act responsibly and ensure their personal behavior didn’t jeopardize mission readiness. But she’d liked him, and they were having fun. With no expectations and no messy entanglements, it was just supposed to be a harmless way to push the boundaries, which is what SEALs did every day, right?

And God, she’d wanted to be one of the guys.

Ella’s eyes were steady on hers. “So you weren’t expecting anything from him?”

“No, I really wasn’t.” Devon shook her head. “Looking back now, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“So what happened?” Ella’s voice was whisper soft.

“One night he went to get a condom from his locker. When he opened it, this picture fell out.”

“A picture of?”

Devon looked down at her hands. “A beautiful blonde woman.”

“Ah.” With a sympathetic wince, Ella said, “So he was married?”

“Engaged. It never once occurred to me he might be involved with anyone. He never mentioned her. At all. Granted, we didn’t do a lot of talking when we were together, but...”

“What happened then?”

“I told him it was over, and I got up and walked out. Left him standing there with a hard-on and a condom in his hand.”

“Ouch. Did he retaliate?”

“Yep.” The painful memories washed over Devon in wave after wave. “Told the guys I was a bitch and a cocktease. After that, every time I was around any of them, they’d make sexual jokes, call me names, treat me with total disrespect. Totally different from the guys who insult everybody equally. It wasn’t in fun; I was a target.”

“Because in their minds, you were a slut.”

Swallowing hard, Devon said, “Right. I was a slut. Not him. Not any of the rest of them who cheated on their significant others or tried to nail anything that moved. Just me.”

“What did you do?”

“Started drinking the canned vodka we scored from the locals, which made it easier to laugh at the jokes, act like I didn’t care. Be one of the guys.” Devon shuddered. “One night we all got hammered. Vodka, whiskey. I barely remember it. I do remember my ex-lover saying, ‘C’mon, let’s get you to bed.’ He wrapped his arm around my waist and helped me, but not to my room. To his.”

“Where he...” Ella squeezed her arm. “Oh, honey.”

“I passed out,” Devon said dully. “And woke up to laughter, to hands on me. I was naked. They wouldn’t stop...”

Devon couldn’t go on. Ella looked her in the eye. “Getting drunk doesn’t mean you deserved it. Right? The fact you’d been sleeping with one of them doesn’t mean you deserved it. Even if you’d slept with all of them doesn’t mean you deserved it. Is that what you tell yourself, what you beat yourself up with?”

“No.” With a bitter laugh, Devon said, “I beat myself up with the fact that no matter how many names they called me, no matter the shit they said about me, I still...” She sucked in a ragged breath. “I still trusted them. They were my goddamn teammates. They were supposed to have my back, Ella. They were supposed to have my back.”

Ella slipped her arm around Devon’s shoulders and held her close.

When Ella at last fell asleep at about three a.m., Devon curled up on her bed. Could she ever forgive herself for that? For trusting them? Stupid, naïve little girl, trusting in the heroes simply because they were supposed to be heroes, not because they’d earned it.

She stared dry-eyed up into the darkness until the glowing numbers on her G-Shock watch indicated 0500. She rose quietly and gathered her things, then brushed her fingers across the bottom of Ella’s bed.