Page 104 of See My Words

“How can you be ‘sort of’ a client?”

“Because all he wants to do is go to dinner somewhere and talk, usually once every three months or so. I kept telling him that all he had to do was call me, and I’d go, that he didn’t have to pay the club for my time. He liked doing it that way, though, so eventually I stopped protesting.” Scott paused for a long moment. “His son, Michael, I knew him on the street.”

Rylan looked at him sharply. “When you were homeless?”

“Yeah, before I met Minh. He was a runaway and a drug addict, Ry. He didn’t hang with me, but I knew him from seeing him around. One night I found him lying in an alley, semiconscious and bleeding. He’d been stabbed in the abdomen.”

“Jesus, Scott.”

“He was still alive, so I picked him up in my arms and ran with him to the county hospital emergency room, which was only a few blocks away. I dropped him off and left, never knew what happened to him. The hospital saved his life, and eventually Michael saw my picture in an ad for the club somewhere. He told his dad I was the guy who tried to stop the bleeding, who begged him to hang on.”

“So Justin hired you for VIP that first time, just to talk about what happened that night.” Rylan’s voice was soft. “And to thank you.”

“Yes.”

“How’s Michael now?”

Scott slipped his arm around Rylan’s shoulders and pulled him close, sighing. “Journey back from addiction isn’t an easy one, and coupled with the trauma Michael endured—well, there’ve been ups and downs. Sometimes his dad just needs to talk, and he feels a connection to me, knows I won’t judge either one of them.”

“It’s good he has you, then.”

“He insisted, though, on doing something to thank me without bringing the club into it, so we worked out the cabin arrangement. And yet he still hired me for VIP anyway. Stubborn.” Scott laid his cheek on Rylan’s hair. “This last time we talked, he said Michael’d been sober for nine months, the longest he’d managed so far, and Justin was hopeful maybe this time it would stick.”

“That’s great news.”

“When I told him I was leaving the club and thinking about moving to Sedona, he offered me the cabin indefinitely. Of course he won’t take any rent, but it’s been six months, and I’ve been looking for an apartment.”

“Why not just stay?” Rylan lifted his head from Scott’s shoulder. “Such a beautiful place, and Justin obviously wants you to.”

Scott let go of him and leaned back on his hands, staring out at the snow-covered view. “I’m not exactly broke, Ry. I made good money on my cut of the endorsements during my time at Spectrum, plus I saved quite a bit of my salary and tips. The cabin is beautiful, and I love it, but—”

“But now you want to make it on your own.”

“Yeah,” Scott said, relieved that Rylan got it. “I never really have, you know? Lived with my mom, in a condo my employer paid for, now a loaner cabin. The streets don’t count. I just—I’ve never had my own place, my own car, my own life. Anyway, the reason I brought you up here, this area is around where Dawn’s uncle and I camped for those two nights. We fasted for one of them, and right before the sun came up, did a Death and Rebirth Ceremony.” He glanced at Rylan, who gazed back at him encouragingly. “It’s making a tangible expression of letting go. It’s—”

When Scott floundered, Rylan put his hand on his thigh. “You don’t need to go into detail, Scott. I get the gist. Something like that should remain private, between you and your life coach.”

“All I know is it helped, Ry. The ritual of it, the visualization…” Scott remembered how he’d felt, watching the colored smoke representing his past waft into the night sky, dispersing on the breeze. The smell of sage—

“It helped,” he said simply. “Especially in coming to terms with—with Heather, and in realizing the fact I didn’t fail to earn her love, she was just incapable of giving it to me. I’ve finally been able to let her go.”

Rylan’s eyes were soft with understanding. “And the quotes on the mirror?”

Scott smiled. “My friend Pedro, who’s a sculptor, he uses them. The way he put it, repeating those words is an easy way to be loving and kind to myself every day. I felt so fucking stupid at first, but now I say them every time I look in that mirror.”

“Well, all of it’s made a difference.” Rylan’s voice was admiring and sincere. “I can tell.”

“It’s a work in progress. Although—” He paused long enough that Rylan squeezed his thigh.

“What?”

“I think a lot of it, too, is getting away from the club environment, the—the narcissism and negativity.”

“Yeah?”

“Everything about that world is fake, and feelings are allowed to be fake, too, so it’s a good place to hide. A comfort zone.”

“Is that why you sent me away, then?” Rylan asked perceptively. “Because you didn’t trust that my feelings for you are real?”