Page 108 of Paper Horses

“I know,” I answered, rolling over and pressing my cheek to the carpet. “What else did you do? Did you go to the farm?”

“I did. Worked all day. There’s a new colt…” He went on to tell me about the colt and the farm and anything that didn’t have to do with my mother’s death. His voice warmed the chill in my room. He talked until I could no longer keep my eyes open, and when I woke, he was still on the other end, sleeping with me. A safety net even when he couldn’t be there with me.

My pen stopped, the memory still vivid in my mind as I stared at the pages I had written. Not an inventory of the day like the ones that had played in my head, but the detailing of emotions I had buried, forcing them to the recesses of my being and not acknowledging them. And with them, the power of Hudson’s presence that traversed the distance that separated us.

I continued to write, purging the memories and releasing the emotions that I’d stored, as if setting them free would leave me nothing but ash. By the time night fell, I had filled half the journal, and my fingers were stiff. I curled over on the couch, just like I had that night on the phone with Hudson, but this time with the journal clutched to my chest and regret thrumming through me.

The echo of my heels on the marble floor usually gave me satisfaction, but today it sounded hollow.

“Good morning, Ms. Icinda,” the morning guard greeted me.

I almost smiled and returned the greeting, but I wasn’t in Valley Knoll anymore, so I gritted my teeth and walked past him because that’s what he expected. It’s what I’d done every day since I'd moved home from school to work for my father. Icy disassociation.

As I swiped my keycard to activate the upper levels in the elevator, I realized those things were now more difficult than they had been.

Paula greeted me when I stepped onto the floor, telling me my messages were on my desk. I gave her a curt nod, the most I’d ever done, the urge to thank her pushing for release. A week in small-town USA had broken me, and I didn’t know how to get back to the indifferent bitch I’d been. Or if I wanted to.

It took Gabe only five minutes before he was standing in my office with Tori by his side.

“Welcome home,” she blurted as if we were best friends.

I gave her one of my normal disappointed looks, but she ignored it, her smile continuing.

“I brought you cat socks,” I muttered, before chastising myself for conversing with her. At least the tone had been bored.

“Thanks, Liv.”

I grunted a reply and took them from my bag, but seeing them brought a pang of pain, a burning in my chest, and I stopped with them midair. God, how I hated these socks, but loved them at the same time.

“I’ll get them later,” she said, and I looked up to see her exchange a glance with Gabe. “I have to prep for my ten thirty. It’s nice to have you back, Liv.”

“Yeah,” I replied as she left the office and shut the door behind her, leaving me alone with my brother, whose keen eyes saw straight into me.

He walked closer, and I held my head higher as I returned the socks to the bag, knowing he could see the fight to hold on to my strength. It hadn’t faltered in decades, but he would be the one to spot it when it did.

“Why are you back?”

“Because I live here and I have a job.”

His lips thinned, and he crossed his arms. “A job you can do in Montana.”

“And why would I do that?” I dropped my eyes to study my nails, wondering why I’d chosen pink this time. My nail tech had nearly fallen from her chair when I picked it.

“Liv.”

My eyes lifted. “Gabe.”

“Don’t do this.”

“Do what? Come back to my life?”

He let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. “Don’t push him away.”

“There’s nothing to push away.” A bald-faced lie that came out in a croak.

“Let yourself be happy, Liv.”

“I am happy.” I took my laptop out of my bag and docked it before powering it up. “I have work to do.”