Page 10 of Kylie

“He’s comin’,” I assured Avery, planting a half smile on my face. “I promise you’ll see him in a little while.”

I had spent the past four days feeling as though I was walking through a nightmare without the benefit of knowing I would eventually wake up, that the horror I'd experienced could be put behind me. But this wasn’t a nightmare, and I wouldn’t be waking up. The horror was now my new normal.

Kylie was dead, Travis had retreated from the world, and I had been forced to explain to my kids what happened and help them understand that, with time, we would all get through this, even if I didn’t necessarily believe it myself.

Thankfully, I had help taking care of the details. Lorrie and Curtis were pitching in, cooking meals, helping with the kids, and delegating tasks and chores to Travis’s brothers. They were also helping Kylie’s parents and her sister, ensuring they had everything they needed so they could focus solely on grieving. Jessie was having a difficult time dealing with the loss of her sister. She continued to blame herself, claiming she could’ve done more, should’ve done more. She was in denial, a stage of grief I was all too familiar with.

In all the time I had known the Walkers, starting back when I'd first become friends with Kaleb in elementary school, never had I seen them rally together quite like this. And that was saying something, considering the Walkers were always there to help those in need. But this … this sadness was like a wet blanket shrouding everyone. They were doing their best to ensure I didn’t feel alone, but even with their kindness, I felt as though I had no one to turn to.

I wouldn’t deny it helped to stay busy, to have something to take care of, but it would’ve been easier if I had Travis at my side. Never had I thought I would be the stronger of the two of us when it came to something like this. Then again, Travis wasn’t giving me much of an option.

When the car came to a stop in front of the church, the kids turned to me. I could feel all those sad eyes waiting for me to direct them on what to do next. I had already explained to Kate, Kade, Avery, and Haden that today we were going to say goodbye to their mother one last time. Kate was in denial, refusing to believe this was real, retreating from everyone just like Travis. I couldn’t blame her. If I thought it might bring Kylie back, I would do the same thing. As for the others, I knew they didn’t truly understand it, but I thought it was important, as did the rest of the family, that they be here today.

The only person who hadn’t chimed in, hadn’t offered his opinion, had been Travis. Try as I might, I could not get him to speak to me, and I had a feeling the man believed I was responsible for what happened. I understood how I would because I blamed myself, too. If I'd only trusted his gut when he insisted we find Juliet Prince and bring her to justice. If I had only listened, Kylie would still be with us today, not being buried one day after what should’ve been her thirty-seventh birthday. She hadn’t gotten to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday. Never would.

I fought to breathe around the knot in my throat while I helped the kids out of the car, walked with them toward the steps leading into the church. My heart physically ached as I ascended those steps one at a time.

The door was standing open, Pastor Bob waiting inside to greet us.

But it wasn’t the pastor I saw first. No, my eyes instantly moved to Travis, who was standing there, looking as lost and as gutted as I felt.

“Daddy-O!” Kate yelled, racing right into his arms.

Without fail, Travis picked her up, held her tight to him, and kissed her on the forehead as all the other kids, save for Maddox, who simply kicked his feet against my hip, wrapped themselves around Travis’s legs.

Our eyes met over the heads of all our kids, and I felt a fresh wave of grief. I could see that Travis was doing his best to pull away from us. Not physically but emotionally. I knew he would be there because we needed him, but even if he was there in body, he wouldn’t be there in spirit.

Problem was I had already lost Kylie, the woman I loved beyond measure. I didn’t think I would survive losing Travis at the same time.

Travis

I was numb.

If it wasn’t for that fact, I would probably be cold, considering I'd been standing at Kylie’s gravesite for the past few hours. I had endured the final words, the sobs, the well wishes, and the departure of those who’d gathered. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I intended to be here until her casket was lowered into the earth and covered with dirt, unwilling to leave her side until I absolutely had to.

I couldn’t count the number of people who had tried to console me, urging me to go home, get some rest. And I knew exactly how many I'd spoken to. None. I had no words because there was nothing I could say that would make this okay in any way or easier to bear, so I'd kept my mouth closed and pretended to listen.

“Travis, they need to lower the casket now.”

I managed to drag my gaze over to see my father looking at me with such pain in his eyes. Beyond him, Pastor Bob stood by, his expression solemn. I could understand it. I knew everyone was feeling the loss, and while I had nothing to say, I wasn’t diminishing their grief in any way. I was simply trying to deal with my own.

“I need a few minutes,” I managed.

“Of course. We’ll wait until you’re finished.”

I didn’t care if they waited or if they left. It didn’t matter to me. Nothing mattered anymore.

Once I was alone again, I stepped forward, placed my hand on the glossy mahogany that entombed my beautiful wife. The casket had been hand-selected by Jessie because she claimed Kylie would’ve loved it. She mentioned that the royal blue silk on the inside was Kylie’s favorite color. I had kept my opinions to myself because I didn’t understand the rationale. What Kylie would’ve loved was to be alive and well and watching her babies grow up, not lying cold and dead on a bed of royal blue silk.

It was then the tears returned, and I didn’t attempt to stop them.

“It should’ve been me, baby,” I whispered. “It shouldn’t be you leavin’ us so soon. It shouldn’t be you the kids have to live without. It should be me.”

I took a deep breath, tucked my hands in my pockets.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kylie. I should’ve stopped her. Instead, I went off the rails, became obsessed, and lost my focus. I gave her the perfect opportunity to strike at me again.” I sobbed. “This is my fault, baby. All my fault.”

I focused on breathing. My chest constricted so tight I thought I might drop to my knees from the pain of it, but I pushed through because the pain was the least I deserved.