Page 6 of Only One Tour Bus

“Okay, okay. I know you all came from the States, so if you want a rest, Laura can drop you off at the hotel. But I do recommend getting through this first day awake and going to sleep tonight at a normal bedtime. That’s the quickest way to get over jet lag. I speak from personal experience. One time⁠—”

“Does anyone want to go to the hotel?” Callum isn’t afraid to interrupt me. Well. That’s good to know. “Raise your hand if you do.”

No one does. To be entirely fair, I wouldn’t either with Callum glaring at me.

“That’s great because Edinburgh is my favorite city on this tour. Not to be biased because it’s also my current home, but you’re all in for a treat. A treat that can be enjoyed even jet-lagged.”

“But the bus won’t be waiting if you make the wrong decision. You’ll have to get yourselves back if you quit the tour.” Callum crosses his arms across his massive chest.

“But I do know the best nap spots all over Europe, if you don’t mind a bit of a public sleep.”

“Don’t sleep in public. This is not a fairytale, and you are not Sleeping Beauty.”

“Agree to disagree. This city is the closest you can get to a Western fairytale, hands down. But let’s not sit here and argue about this like we’re in some sort of high school debate team, let’s let the group decide for themselves after their tour.”

I smile at the group, choosing to focus on the positive over the negative next to me.

The negative, who launches into the background for Edinburgh. “There’s been evidence of habitation in this area since around 8500 BCE by the⁠—”

“Right. There’s Celts, Romans, Northumberlands, and then the city became part of Scotland, when things get really interesting.”

“Did you just condense ten thousand years of history into one sentence?”

“Yes. Then the English controlled the area off and on, but that’s England for you, am I right?” I look at Callum, sure he can’t find fault with that statement. He’s Irish, for crying out loud. But he doesn’t even thank me for my consideration.

“During the mid-sixteenth century Scottish Reformation, the country split from the Vatican and adapted Protestantism,” Callum says instead of acknowledging me.

“And that is actually interesting, so good job, Callum. The split led to hostility toward Mary, Queen of Scots because she was Catholic and because of her ties to the English crown. Y’all know her, right?” I pause for some nods. “Great. For some background, her husband may have been involved in the murder of her secretary and possible lover, and he was then murdered, perhaps by Mary’s next husband. And then to make a bad few years worse, there was an uprising and she was imprisoned here, and in a castle nearby. Which she later escaped from. Only to be imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth because she feared Mary’s claim to her throne. And then Lizzie, taking a page out of her dad’s book, beheaded Mary.”

“Unnecessarily salacious. But not untrue.” The man sounds so begrudging that I’m right that I almost stoop to rolling my eyes at him. But then I would let him pull me into his vortex of negativity so instead I give him a gracious nod.

“Then James VI of Scotland succeeded to the throne and united Scotland and England. But it wasn’t smooth sailing, with more religious strife, as well as an occupation from Oliver Cromwell,” Callum says.

I sing some lyrics to the Oliver Cromwell song by Monty Python, notably the ones detailing his birth (1599) and death (1658). I get some laughs, but more blank looks. Clearly, those people didn’t have a dad who grew up in London, who brought his love for classic English humor to America and started a family there. It’s me; I’m talking about my dad. Thanks, Dad.

And also thanks for the dual citizenship. That really made moving here easier.

“Of course those are the only dates you’d know.”

I stick my tongue out at him as I weaken and get negative, then pick up the narrative. “Edinburgh was enclosed in walls in the sixteenth century—partly because of a British invasion. And due to the lack of expansion room that created, Scots started to build upward since they could not build outward. Eleven, up to fifteen stories even, like modern skyscrapers. It was known all across Europe as a crowded, dense city.”

“A result of that was that the classes mixed more in this city than anywhere else. Maybe leading to some of the Scottish Enlightenment ideas.”

“Exactly! But eventually the rich people got tired of living so close to other people, and they started to expand outside the walls into the New Town, with its fancy single family homes, done in Neo-Classical and Georgian architecture. And I think that’s a good introduction to the city, so sit tight and we’ll begin the walking tour soon.”

I sit down in the front row of the bus while I turn off the mic. I’m expecting a few minutes of silence to prepare for the first tour with this group, so I’m surprised when Callum plants himself in the seat next to me.

“That went well, I think,” I say, trying to extend an olive branch to my partner and competition.

“It was not as bad as expected.”

“Sorry, are you trying to say that I’m not as bad as you thought I’d be? Because I think I’m offended.”

He grunts. “It must not be that bad if you only think you’re offended.” His sardonic eyebrow raises.

That eyebrow is as dangerous as his accent because it’s distracting me completely from what we’re talking about. “Oh, I was only being polite. I am indeed offended.”

“Ah. Well. That’s different, then.”