Page 1 of Only One Tour Bus

CHAPTER 1

ASHA

“The problem is, you’re boring,” Rob says.

I bury my head in the crook of my elbow so the other occupants of the room don’t hear my laugh. I hope it sounds like a cough, because laughing at someone else’s pain isn’t great, but it’s beyond me to stop now.

It’s just so satisfying to see Callum Kelly taken down a peg or two. The arrogant grump.

“Well, our tourists think your tours are boring.” The white man in front of me, Rob—pronounced “Rab” to my American ears because he’s proper Scottish—doesn’t let me rest on that victory for long. “And as for you, Asha, your tours focus too much on fun. Travelers complain they barely learned anything about the countries they were in. If they wanted to get pissed and have anonymous sex, they could have saved the scratch and stayed home. And some feel that you’re a bit of a pushover and don’t do enough to stop them from making bad decisions. One time you skipped the Colosseum to go shopping?”

Well, that shuts me down fast. Even if that particular time, it was really hot and the majority wanted to experience Roman shopping. I made sure the bus dropped off the few people who wanted to see the Colosseum at the historic site. But I can’t make people go places. And I’m not dealing with heat-stricken tourists.

I hear a muffled laugh to my left and keep my gaze focused forward. Turnabout might be fair play, but I don’t have to see Callum smirking at me. I can imagine without looking, anyway. The man’s posture will be perfect, because only people of low moral quality would stoop to slouching. I slouch down more in protest.

His thick black hair will be wild, because of course the great Callum Kelly has no time to waste on superficial whimsy like brushing his hair, and his frigid blue eyes will be judgmental, like I decided to jump into a fjord in Norway, when in reality, I dared to enjoy something. He’ll have the slightest red on his nose, because he just got back from a tour in Greece in the beginning of summer and the Greek sun can defeat even the most responsible of sunscreen wearers, especially against his pale skin. His full lips, usually in a very serious neutral position, will twist into a smirk, because even though he hates fun, he seems to enjoy seeing me squirm.

And to make it worse for me, the judgmental package is topped with a chest so broad, I can’t stop imagining it filling out a fisherman’s sweater. It’s not my fault; it’s that lyrical Irish accent that sends my mind straight to fisherman’s sweaters.

“I do teach them. Good stuff, too. But I have the eighteen-to-thirty groups. They’re here for a holiday, not to prepare to sit for an A level in history. And it’s not like I want them to make bad decisions, but I’m not their mom. If they’re going to indulge in too much fun on the trip they paid for, that’s their business.” I’m quite proud of my casual use of English concepts such as A levels, a stretch since I grew up in Southern California, but my boss is less impressed.

Rob rolls his eyes. He’s slumped in his chair, rubbing the salt-and-pepper stubble on his chin as he looks at us in exasperation. The man didn’t look happy when he called us into the office, and his expression has only gotten more dour since then. Not that it’s easy to tell, since he’s generally unhappy with…everything.

I don’t know why. He doesn’t have to drag fifteen to twenty-five very different personalities across Europe for weeks at a time, acting as teacher, mother, friend, counselor, and personal assistant all at once.

“Except they aren’t here to just have a laugh. It’s our job to show them the cultural and historic offerings of the places we take them,” Callum says.

“But it has to be a little fun! Or they could have sat themselves at home and watched a documentary for all that cultural enrichment. And it’s not all about drinking, sometimes they want to shop, or try some local food, or visit a beach, or⁠—”

“Both of you are wrong. And both of you are right.” Our boss isn’t in the mood to let us debate this. “You both get good reviews, too, so you’re making some people happy. But you could both be doing better on the end-of-tour feedback forms.”

“That’s good, at least!” I do look at Callum now. “Some people like us.”

“And some don’t.” Callum glowers at me.

“The glass is very half empty over on your end of the room, isn’t it? Imagine how happy you would be if you focused on the good reviews.”

“Enough! You’re doing my head in. I can’t imagine what you’d do to the poor customers.” Rob rubs said head. “But that’s exactly what we’re doing anyway.”

“Pardon? What are we doing to the poor, innocent customers?” He can’t mean…

“You’re doing a joint tour. Honestly, business hasn’t been great and we haven’t had a full bus for a while. So we’re combining the two upcoming Grand Tours of Europe.”

I look at him in shock, as if he just told me that I have to conduct my next tour in a clown suit and entirely in French, a language I am about as fluent in as the average French toddler.

“I mean, I’m sure our tourists would love to have two tour guides…” I try to find the best in the situation.

“She does the eighteen-to-thirty group, mostly singles, and I do the family tour. How are those groups going to have fun together?”

Callum does not try to find the best in the situation. He’s going to suck all the joy from every room, bus, plane, train, and ferry we’re going to be in for the next month. I’m finding this to be a bit beyond my abilities to cope.

“I’d rather take a swim in the Thames, back in the days when they used it as a sewer,” Callum says, not even doing me the courtesy of looking at me when he delivers that blow.

I’m not so restrained. I look right at him when I say, “That’s just rude…to say out loud.” At least I had the decency to think my shock behind his back, in my own head. So we could start the tour tomorrow on a good foot.

“This isn’t a discussion. This is me, your boss, telling you, my employees, how it’s going to be. We need the cost-cutting measure, and you can learn from each other to become stronger tour guides. And you need to do your best, because the person who gets the most glowing reviews, who learns the most and makes the customers happiest, is going to get more tours going forward as we scale back operations.

“Your upcoming tours are the same dates, so we don’t need to worry about that. Everyone has agreed to the new tour. Now go away and do whatever you need to so you can show up with a smile, ready to welcome your eager passengers onto the bus tomorrow.”