Page 138 of A Modest Independence

“Shall I—”

“—staying where you are.”

“Oh.” The word came out on a disappointed breath. She folded her hands in her lap and waited. After a full thirty seconds of silence, she lost patience and began to re-pin her hair. She had a vague recollection of Tom spearing his fingers through it as he kissed her. Of tugging at her locks in the most demanding way. “I suppose I must apologize for being so brazen.”

He gave her a wry glance. “Why? I clearly didn’t mind it.”

“You look as if you do now.”

“I’m trying to regain some semblance of mastery over myself. To remind myself of all the reasons I shouldn’t do what I very much want to do.”

“Is it working?”

“Not as well as I’d wish.” He finally turned and came back to her, crossing the clearing to sink down beside her on the boulder. Her skirts bunched against his legs. “You said you felt as if you could devour me.”

A blush threatened. “I don’t know what I—”

“I do. It’s precisely how I feel about you. About the sweetness you offer every time you kiss me. When there’s a lack of something in your life, you want it all the more. It’s never enough to have a taste of it. You want to consume it whole.”

“No one has ever accused me of being sweet before.”

“Perhaps you haven’t shown that side of yourself to anyone else the way you have to me?”

“Perhaps not.” Until Tom, no man had ever inspired such feelings in her. She couldn’t imagine any man ever would again. It was a depressing thought, especially since she knew their time together was quickly running out.

He took her hand very gently in his, cradling it with a tenderness at odds with the fierceness of the kisses they’d shared only moments before. “A few months ago, this would have been enough. Sitting beside you and holding your hand. In London, I’d have given anything for the privilege.”

She swallowed. “I remember, one day when I first came to live at Greyfriar’s Abbey, I saw Mr. Thornhill and Helena coming up from the beach together. They were holding hands. Except that Helena had removed one of her gloves and Mr. Thornhill had removed one of his. It seemed the most intimate thing. And I thought—”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I was glad, I suppose. Glad that they’d found that connection with each other. After what they’ve been through, they deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“Do you think we don’t?”

She didn’t know what to say. Of course she believed that they deserved happiness. But one couldn’t have everything they wanted, could they? Life was a series of choices—of sacrifices. In order to have Tom, she’d have to give up her freedom. The very independence she’d dreamed of for so many years. It was a price she wasn’t willing pay. Not for him. Not for anyone.

But she was tempted.

So very, dreadfully tempted.

“I want to ask you something,” he said.

Every nerve in her body jangled in warning. It was all she could do to keep her voice steady. “Yes?”

“If Giles agrees to return to England, will you go with him?”

It wasn’t the question she’d anticipated. She should have been relieved. And she was. Truly, she was. But along with that relief came disappointment. It settled inside her, a heavy weight lodged somewhere between her heart and her stomach. She endeavored to ignore it. “I’ve been asking myself that very question for the last four days.”

“Have you come to an answer?”

“After a fashion. I think I must go with him part of the way, but…I’m not ready to go back to England. I still need time and I—”

“How far?” The edge was back in his voice. “To Calcutta? To Suez?”

“To Cairo, I think. I’d like to settle there awhile. And it’s not so remote that Giles won’t mind leaving me. Or so I hope. I haven’t discussed that part of the plan with him yet.”

“When?”