Page 115 of Septembers

“Scare me off? I’m not a deer you stumbled upon in the forest. I’m your...” What was he? His best friend? His roommate? His boyfriend? “I’m your Theo.”

“I’m sorry.” He sounded wretched, his face twisted in pain. “But that’s the problem.”

“Problem?” The word snuck out of Theo’s mouth, cold and hard. He’d thought they’d finally found the solution, but instead he was a problem. The trap door was real, and it had just swung out from under him, plunging him into a free fall so dark he was shocked he was able to speak. “So you don’t want me?”

“No, Theo, that’s not—fuck.” He closed the distance almost all the way, his hands hovering in the space that was left, as if he wanted to hold him but didn’t have permission. “Please don’t pull away because of this.”

Except, for the first time in his life, Theo wasn’t the one pulling away. The fear that always held him back had evaporated that night on the fire escape, and he’d known he’d never hurt Dae. But he’d been an idiot not to consider that Dae might hurt him. “Has nothing changed for you?”

“Everything has changed, Theo.”

“Has it? You don’t act any different. I thought you wanted this.” The idea that he’d been wrong rattled through his whole body. Oh fuck, oh god, please, please, please. “You do want this, right?”

“Yes.” The word was a breath.

He wanted so badly to believe him, but his panic was hot in his throat. “So what am I doing wrong?”

“Nothing!”

“Then why do I feel like I’m the only one falling?”

“Because you are!”

Panic engulfed him, burning away flesh and bone. Soon it would swallow him whole.

Dae shook his head and talked fast. “You’re the only one falling now because I fell a long time ago.” He sucked in a rattling breath. “I’m terrified with every move I make that you’ll realize how long and how desperately I’ve been in love with you.”

Love. In love. The universe became a vacuum, sucking away every noise that wasn’t Dae’s voice, every sight that wasn’t his tortured face, every sensation that wasn’t Theo’s overworked heart thudding in his chest.

Dae’s next words came out strangled. “I can’t go through it again.”

Theo’s head was too light and his body too heavy, and he couldn’t follow. He didn’t know why Dae was upset instead of elated. Love. Dae loved him. And Theo loved him back. So why were they standing so far apart? “Again?”

Dae laughed, dark and pained. “I almost kissed you during school, and you pulled away from me for a year, Theo.”

No. That wasn’t what happened. Was it? But he couldn’t search his memory because tears scratched Dae’s voice, and it tore Theo open.

“I’ve seen you throw away guys for remembering your mom’s birthday. I’ve watched you push away anyone who got close, and I couldn’t be that. I couldn’t…” He wiped away a tear before it had the chance to fall. “No one is closer to you than I am. Do you know how terrifying that is? How was I supposed to get excited about being with you, knowing that if you found out how much I love you, you’d run away?”

“I won’t. I can’t. Not from you.” How could Dae even imagine a world where Theo could exist without him? “I was just scared…” How could he possibly explain? “Everything I did was to keep you, Dae. I couldn’t cross that line, because then…” His chest ached with his own tears and his voice broke. “I didn’t trust myself not to hurt you.”

Dae’s warmth surrounded him, and he was pulled into his arms, the pressure of it crushing and necessary as he let the sobs out.

“I’m sorry, Dae. I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

Dae pressed their foreheads together, shaking his head, their noses brushing as he did. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust this.” A tear fell. “I wanted to, but…”

“But I didn’t give you a reason to.”

“No, that’s not it.” He pulled back to look at him. “You’ve been there for me through so much shit. I trust you, Theo. I just didn’t trust…” He let out a frustrated breath that tickled Theo’s skin. “When you want something for so long, and then it happens… I was just so scared it would be taken away if I dove in too fast—too recklessly.”

“How long?” Theo knew he was being a shit. Knew it was a question he could ask later, when they weren’t baring their fears, when they weren’t crying messes in each other’s arms. But he also needed to know.

Dae looked like he was about to jump off a cliff. “Theo, I’ve been yours my whole life.”

The words didn’t just change his life now; they were changing his life then, rewriting his memories and turning him into someone who was worthy of a lifetime of love from a man like Dae. His own voice came out a whisper. “I’m sorry I made you wait.”

Dae shook his head, smiling. “I think that was how it had to be.”