Page 37 of If I Didn’t Have You

11

CLARA

Everything in my life was falling apart.

I sank down against the bathroom door, tears streaming down my face as I mourned what used to be my marriage. The man I married had changed so much that I hardly recognized him, and the more I tried to make myself happy, the worse our relationship became.

How the hell was I supposed to live my life like this? Did other couples deal with the same thing?

I held out my hand, looking at the simple rings that adorned my left hand. The band was gold, with no diamonds or anything, and the engagement ring was a tiny diamond that I fell in love with the moment he slid it on my finger.

Back then, he didn’t have two dimes to his name. This ranch was everything to him, and though he didn’t have much, his love was more than enough for me. I didn’t even want the damn diamond, but the moment he slid it on my finger, the pride in his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

Ben was a good man.

I knew the moment I met him that my life would never be the same. He just had that way about him, a strong confidence, yet a willingness to bend for me. He was so much more than all the men my parents wanted to shove at me. If it were up to them, I would have been married off long ago to some rich man who could lay the world at my feet.

But I didn’t want the whole world. I only wanted this small slice of heaven with the man I loved. And for years, it had been enough.

Like all things in life, God threw us a curveball that irrevocably changed our lives, and while I could move with the times, Ben was stuck in the past, unable to live with the fact that the ranch was no longer what his father had built.

It tore him apart from the inside out, twisting the man I loved into a grump who couldn’t live with the changes upon us.

And it was tearing us to shreds.

Nothing I said or did could help heal the wounds in his soul. To him, he’d let down his entire family. The ranch was no longer what generations before him had intended. He was the man who let it all fall apart.

But what he didn’t see was all that we still had. We were blessed to have not lost the land, to still have a roof over our heads, and to have a healthy family with new generations being born. Our blessings were overflowing. We still had our health, a roof over our heads, our children were flourishing, and that should have been enough.

I swiped the tears from my cheeks and pushed off the floor, then stared at myself in the mirror. I was tired of being the woman who cried over her husband, who held everything together, forgoing her own happiness. I’d made a start, doing what was best for me, but maybe it was time for a bigger change.

I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, or if it was even what I wanted, but I knew I was tired of living a half life. Five years of watching my husband morph into someone I hardly knew was wearing on me, and if things didn’t turn around soon, I wasn’t sure they ever would.

I did my wifely duties the next morning, ensuring my husband had a hearty breakfast that would keep him fulfilled while I went into town to run some errands.

After I grudgingly told him breakfast was ready, I headed upstairs and put on some cooler clothes. The temperature was already climbing outside, making this one of the hottest summers in Montana that I’d ever lived through. Since winters were unbearably rough most years, the heat was a blessed escape.

“Headed somewhere?” Ben asked from his seat in the kitchen as I put on my shoes.

“Just picking up some groceries in town. Is there anything you need?”

He grunted in response, giving me the same frosty reception I gave him. With nothing else to say, I headed into town and did my best to leave my troubles on the ranch.

Blake had mentioned that she would be visiting Sam at his gym this morning, so I decided to stop in and say hi. Sam was already in the ring, bouncing around on his toes as his opponent swung at him. He dodged and bobbed around, but every time a fist went near his face, I cringed, hoping the hit didn’t make contact.

I didn’t know how Blake handled this. I couldn’t stand to see anyone I loved injured, and even though it was a sport, every hit was like a knife to the chest.

“Clara! Hey, come on over!” Blake grinned, catching her daughter Rosie before she ran into the ring.

She swung Rosie up into her arms and met me halfway, but my granddaughter nearly leapt out of her arms to get to me. I caught her just before she would have fallen to the ground.

“My little Rosie Posey. How are you today?”

“Good!” she grinned, clasping her hands around my neck and laying a big smacker on my cheek.

“Aww, thank you so much!”

“I watch Unca!”