Page 119 of If I Didn’t Have You

35

CLARA

I sucked the caramel from the Rolo, then swallowed the rest of it. My stomach ached from all the junk food, and my whole body was sore from lack of movement.

This was depressing.

And not even depressing in a good movie sort of way. It was more like I had died and left my spirit behind to haunt the house, while eating my way through every inch of the pantry.

And I was running out of food fast.

Lizzy no longer brought me candy. Krista refused to buy me any more cookies. I couldn’t even convince Jeff to bring me treats. He was still upset over seeing me naked.

Groaning, I held my tummy as I pushed back in the recliner, trying to stretch the aches. I knew I needed to get up. I was well aware of the odor coming off me and the hair growing rapidly out of every pore. I was disgusting, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

How had I gone from a woman who was storming through life and taking the town by storm to this sad, pathetic creature who never left this chair? That would change now. No more sitting around. No more feeling sorry for myself.

Ben left, but I still had a life to live.

“Ooh, The Bridges of Madison County is coming on,” I whispered, turning up the volume. I reached over into the cooler, pulling out another wine spritzer before the movie started. I loved Clint Eastwood so much, and I’d decided long ago that he would be on my list of men I could sleep with if I ever met him in person.

Sadly, that hadn’t happened yet, so I would have to settle for watching him on the big screen.

Or, the small screen in this case.

I watched the movie as if it was my own life playing out on the screen. And at the end when her finger itched to pull the door handle, I lost it.

“Do it! Pull the handle! Get out and go after him! You know you want to! Tell him you love him!”

When she drove past without getting out, I started crying big crocodile tears, gasping for breath as I felt the devastation of my own life wash over me.

“He should have gone after her! Why didn’t he go after her?”

“He should have,” Ben’s voice rumbled from behind me.

Gasping, I spun in the chair, my eyes blurry with tears. I could hardly see him, but I knew it was him. There was no denying it.

“Ben,” I whispered. “You came back.”

“I never should have left,” he murmured, walking closer to me.

Swiping the tears from my face, I tried and failed to pull it together. I was an absolute wreck.

Kneeling down beside me, his thumb swiped a tear from my cheek. “You’re a mess.”

I huffed out a laugh, wishing I looked different for this occasion, but I was beyond trying to impress anyone. Ben knew me better than anyone. If anyone was going to see me at my lowest and accept me the way I was, it was him.

“Why did you come back?”

“Because I realized I left something behind.”

“Me?”

He chuckled at that. “Well, it wasn’t the horses.”

Brushing my tears away, I latched onto his sweatshirt to make sure he didn’t leave. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t really want you to go.”

“But I had to. When you told me to choose⁠—”