Page 117 of If I Didn’t Have You

“I came to drag your ass back home,” Mike said, walking into the room as he flipped on the light. “You’re lucky Blake didn’t come. She would have thrown your ass through the window.”

I chuckled at that, sitting up in bed, groaning at the ache in my back. My mattress at home was bad, but this thing was like sleeping on bricks.

“So, have you had enough yet?”

“Enough of what?” I bit out.

“Wandering around, finding yourself, making Ma sad.”

I snorted in derision at that last one. “I’m out here because of her.”

“Yeah? What’d she do this time?”

I quirked an eyebrow at him, sure he already knew. “She didn’t tell you?”

“Krista knows, but her lips are sealed.”

As much as I wanted to tell him that none of this was my fault, to show him that for once, I wasn’t the fuck up, I couldn’t bring myself to drag my wife through the mud. Despite her demands that left me bereft, I still loved her with all my heart, and I would until the day I died. Even if she didn’t want me in her life, I could never kick her out of mine.

“Pop, whatever’s going on, you can fix it.”

I sighed, wishing so badly that were true. The anger over her demands had faded, but that left me with an overwhelming sadness that would weigh heavy on my heart for the rest of my days.

“Not this time, son.”

“What could you have possibly done that’s worse than everything else?” he snapped. “Come on. What happened to the man I used to know? The man who would do anything for his wife? Where’s he?”

A spark of anger lit inside me again, but not at my wife. This time, they were directed at my son for thinking I was such a piece of shit that I had destroyed everything.

“So, it’s my fault, huh?”

“Isn’t it always? Face it, you’ve been sitting on your ass for years. There’s only so much she could take, so you left. And now you’re wandering around like a bum.”

I laughed at his assessment. Man, my kids must really have a low opinion of me.

“You think this is funny? You think you can keep pulling the same shit with Ma and she’ll just deal with it?”

“You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about,” I snapped.

“I know you’ve failed her over and over again. And I also know that no matter how much she tried to change to make herself happy, it was never enough for you. So, you ran away to avoid the consequences.” He chuckled humorlessly. “Sounds like something you’d do.”

I gritted my teeth, refusing to say the words that would vindicate me. If my kids thought I was a piece of shit, I’d take it any day over them having a low opinion of their mother. Maybe they would side with me, maybe her, but either way, I wouldn’t give them the chance to look at her as anything other than the angel she was.

Yes, she hurt me when she made me choose, but her intentions came from fear.

A fear that I couldn’t fix if she wouldn’t trust me.

Maybe I had walked away too soon, but the moment those words left her mouth, I knew I had nothing more to offer her if she didn’t trust me. And that might have been my fault. After all, I promised her I would always take care of her, but the moment the ranch fell apart, so did I.

In a way, I brought this on myself.

“If you have nothing else to say, you should go.”

“And what are you gonna do? It took me a week to find you!”

“I never intended for anyone to follow.”

“Well, you can’t just live like this, wandering around for the rest of your life.”