Page 114 of If I Didn’t Have You

“Just on the road, huh?”

I really wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything to do with my life. “Know of any motels in the area?”

“There’s a decent one just down the road. Cheap, and you won’t get any bed bugs.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll be right back with that coffee.”

As I waited, I turned my thoughts to all the places I had considered visiting when we were younger. Vacations had never happened. There were always too many things to take care of on the ranch, and I never trusted it with the hands. Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe I should have made more of an effort with my family.

Either way, it probably would have turned out the same way.

I let my mind wander while I ate, then paid the tab and drove down to the motel. I barely hit the sheets before my eyes were closed. And in the morning, I got up and hit the road again, driving nowhere in particular. I drove through Tahoe, then turned north, driving through California. The days jumbled together as I did nothing but drive and think about all I had lost.

Maybe I should have brought the mobile house with me. I could have towed it all across the country and I could have lived out of it for the rest of my days. No one would be around to move it on me, and at least I wouldn’t have had to pay for motels every night. But I wasn’t going back home anytime soon, not even to get the damn mobile house.

I’d live on the road until I figured out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life, or how I was supposed to save a marriage when my wife no longer wanted me.

Either way, it was going to be one hell of a drive.

33

CLARA

I had moved the television back into the den the night Ben left. I was currently sitting in his recliner that I had insisted had no place in here. Now, it was the only comfort I had.

Snuggling under my blanket, I grabbed another Oreo from the half-empty container and shoved it in my mouth. Flipping through the channels, I skipped anything too happy and settled for Walk The Line.

“She had to deal with a difficult man,” I muttered to myself, stuffing another Oreo in my mouth.

“Mom?”

I glanced over my shoulder, sighing when Krista walked into the room. “What do you want?”

“Um…some Clorox. Maybe a portable shower for you.” She covered her face, grimacing as she came closer. “Is that smell coming from you?”

I raised my arm and sniffed, but I didn’t smell anything. “I think you need to go to the doctor. I smell fine.”

“You do not. Did you eat all those Oreos today?”

I glanced at the package, then at her. “So?”

“So, what else have you eaten?”

I thought back to the chips, the bread, the mac n’ cheese— not even homemade, but the boxed stuff. “Just a few things.”

“Mom, it looks like a trash can in here. What’s going on?”

I grabbed another Oreo and popped it in my mouth. “Your father left me,” I grumbled around the cookie.

The shock on her face was comical, and the chuckle that left my lips was just a tad inappropriate for the circumstances, but when in hell…

“Wait, are you serious?”

“Yep. Just walked out the door and left,” I sighed, snagging another cookie.

She grabbed the container from me, holding it far out of reach. “Why…why would he do that? He was working so hard to get you back. He loves you!”