Page 83 of The Killer’s Mark

‘It fucking is, buddy,’ Esmerée said. ‘Stupidest name I ever heard, and I once met a dude called Erasmus Assman.’

‘Are you an early riser like Tilly, Gotobed, or a slugabed like Esmerée?’ Poe said. ‘Because the other day Edgar was licking Esmerée’s face for five minutes before she woke.’

‘Are you kidding me!’ Esmerée shrieked. ‘Edgar spends most of the day licking his own butt.’

Poe shrugged. ‘He wanted to play.’

‘It is not a stupid name,’ Gotobed said again.

He was a small man, not much bigger than Esmerée. He had a thin, pinched face and grey hair. His horn-rimmed glasses made it look as though he was cosplaying as John Major, surely the drippiest, dreariest prime minister in living memory. He looked like the kind of person who fed sugar lumps to police horses. Gilliard hadn’t given Gotobed a rank, which Poe took to mean he didn’t have one. He must be their tech guy.

Poe passed the search warrant to Bradshaw. ‘Check that’s in order, please, Tilly.’

‘I will, Poe.’

Gilliard said, ‘The warrant allows us—’

‘Ah-ah,’ Poe said. He held up his hand. ‘Not until Tilly’s finished.’

They waited. Esmerée took another swig of Irn-Bru, wiped her lips and burped. ‘I’m gonna be tasting Edgar’s asshole for days now,’ she grumbled.

‘The warrant isn’t in order, Poe,’ Bradshaw said.

‘Whoopsie,’ Poe said.

Gilliard’s feathers ruffled. ‘I can assure you it is in order, young lady.’

‘Tilly’s never wrong about … well, anything. How have they boobed?’

‘They have incorrectly spelled “seize”. They’ve put the i before the e.’

‘I learned a rhyme about that in school,’ Poe said. ‘And what does sieze mean, Tilly?’

‘It’s Romanian for “sit down”.’

‘So they can search and sit down?’

‘Yes, Poe.’

‘Go for it, chaps.’

Gilliard snatched back the warrant. He found the offending word. The back of his neck went beet red. ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ he snapped. ‘The meaning of the warrant couldn’t be clearer.’

‘I guess that’s for a judge to decide,’ Poe said. He kicked out the chair on the other side of his desk. ‘In the meantime, would you like to sieze, Chief Inspector?’

Chapter 69

‘No, I don’t want to sie … sit down!’ Gilliard snapped. ‘And until this misunderstanding is cleared up, we’ll conduct a field examination. The warrant is very clear on that. Step away from your computer, Poe.’

‘I’m sitting down,’ Poe said. ‘Also, I’m not going anywhere.’

Esmerée burped again. Irn-Bru was really fizzy. ‘Neither am I, peckerheads.’

‘Who are you?’ Gilliard said.

‘I’m no one. Literally.’

‘I asked you a question, young lady. Who are you?’