Page 39 of The Road Back to Us

“I can’t deal with this right now,” she said, gripping the side of the counter as she tipped her head down and stared at the floor.

“We don’t have to do anything right now,” I assured her, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her. “We can give it some time before we—”

“Before we what? Take a test and find out that it’s positive? Then what, count down the days until I start bleeding and cramping as my body rejects another pregnancy? I can’t do this, Cole!” she screamed, her voice so loud that it startled me.

Her body shook as she cried, sinking to the floor before I gave up any restraint I had left and grabbed her. I pulled her into my arms and held her, praying that just this once, life would give us a break and spare us from more heartache than what we’d already suffered.

***************************

Lyric didn’t speak to anyone the rest of the night and said that she wasn’t feeling well before she went to bed early. The next morning, I called my parents and asked if they could take the kids for a few hours while Lyric rested. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone what was going on, but I needed some time and space to deal with everything in private.

After the kids left with my parents, I grabbed my keys and headed to the store. I drove thirty minutes out of town so I could go to a store where they didn’t know me. The last thing I needed was someone seeing me buy pregnancy tests and spreading rumors that Lyric was pregnant. Even worse, I didn’t need them to think they were for Kara.

When I got back, Lyric was sitting up in bed, staring at the wall. I knocked on the door, even though it was open, just to make sure she knew I was there. She looked up at me with a blank expression on her face before noticing the bag in my hand.

Before I could say anything, she threw back the covers, climbed out of bed, and waited for me to hand her the bag. I did so without saying anything, knowing this was what she needed right now. She went into the bathroom and closed the door, leaving me to wait in silence while she took a pregnancy test.

I sat on the edge of the bed, resting my elbows on my knees while I waited. A few minutes later, the bathroom door opened, and Lyric came out holding a test in her hand. She passed it to me before climbing behind me, getting back under the covers as I stood up to give her room.

I stared down at the test, immediately knowing that the two pink lines meant she was pregnant. I swallowed hard, feeling guilty for the joy that wanted to flood through my veins at the thought of being a father again. I set the test on her nightstand and looked down at her, unsure of what to say.

“I’m fine,” she said curtly, avoiding looking at me as I stood there, helpless on what to do. “You can go. I just want to be alone right now.”

I nodded as I pushed out a heavy breath, fighting the urge to stay and try to get her to talk to me. With every step I took away from her, I felt my heart crumble one broken piece at a time, because how could I be so in love with someone who didn’t love me in return?

Thirty-Five

Lyric

I was being a bitch, but at least I was aware of it. It was worse when you were being a bitch but didn’t realize you were until it was too late. I knew that Cole was thrilled that I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to hurt him by pushing him away, but I wasn’t ready to deal with any of it yet.

When I moved back to Willow Falls, it was to take care of the kids. I never intended to fall back in love with my husband or get pregnant right away from a stupid one-night stand where we let our passion override common sense.

I didn’t want to hurt Cole, but it seemed inevitable. It wasn’t fair to either of us for me to pretend that I was happy about this baby, because I wasn’t. I had just finally started to feel like I was getting my life on track. Things were falling into place with the kids, and the goats, and starting my own fashion line, and I didn’t want to mess that up.

Being pregnant wasn’t just having to worry about months of constant morning sickness with no relief. There was the inevitable joy we would feel when we went for an ultrasound and heard the heart beating, only to have it stop soon after. I’d been down this road so many times that I couldn’t bear the thought of having to travel it again. My heart wanted a baby more than anything in the world, but my brain had learned very quickly not to get my hopes up because it always ended in heartache.

I knew Cole would be there for me and do whatever I needed, but I didn’t want to give him false hope that this baby would be the one thing to fix us. If anything, I worried that this baby might be the very thing that broke us. Each loss we experienced over the years slowly chipped away at us, leaving very little left for us to hold on to.

I rolled onto my side, desperate to fall asleep so I could wake up and realize this was all just a terrible dream.

By mid-afternoon, I had given up sulking in bed and went searching for food. I knew it would be hard to find something to eat that wouldn’t make me sick, but I also knew that I couldn’t afford not to eat. My body relied on constant nutrition throughout the day to keep things happy and healthy. I wandered into the kitchen, not surprised to find Cole making lunch.

He glanced at me over his shoulder but said nothing as he continued cooking. I didn’t dare look at what he was making because it was none of my business, but the smell of sausage and eggs floated in the air around us. I closed my eyes and let out a soft groan because fuck if that didn’t smell amazing.

I heard him chuckle and opened my eyes to find him holding a plate in front of me.

I swallowed hard to avoid letting my emotions rise to the surface because I didn’t have time for that this morning. I was torn between being mad at him for knowing what I needed and being sad because he had gone through all of this work for me when I had been such a bitch to him. Add in the extra flutters my heart was making, and I was seconds away from crying.

“Thank you,” I said quickly, hoping he didn’t hear the emotions warring inside me.

“Go sit down and eat.” He smiled, the dimples in his cheeks further disarming me as I sat down and took a bite.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to hold the food down, but given how hard my stomach was growling, I was hopeful. I wanted nothing more than to eat and not throw it up.

A few minutes later, Cole set his food down across from me at the table before pouring glasses of orange juice and joining me.

We didn’t talk as we ate, which was probably for the best because I had no idea what to say to him. I stabbed at a sausage link aggressively with my fork, which earned a raised eyebrow from Cole, yet he still didn’t say anything.