Page 4 of On The Edge

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Next day, Cat made the decision to walk down the busy main street on her lunch break; she was determined to be away from the office, and even though her feet ached in her high heels, she continued further and further. Her morning had been terrible, she had a few angry threats over the phone (something of the norm when working at a call centre, but which Cat still had not grown used to). Her boss Adam had been circling almost every twenty minutes, checking whether she had “made a sale yet?”, which only made Cat feel under even more pressure. Stars galore appeared on the board, one after another, as her colleagues made never-ending sales. Cat had despaired, looking over to Shelley who was smiling chatting on the phone, on a roll with her three sales of the day. Amidst the bustle and throng of the high street, she sighed, and slowed her pace. She knew she needed desperately to make some kind of progress, but every time she spoke to someone on the phone she hated every second of it. It was the complete opposite to how she imagined she’d make money. After her years at art school, she had dreamed that she would be able to have her own gallery, and create something everyday. Now her concerns revolved around money, and thoughts of being “let go” from the firm made her palms sweat. She needed to pay rent, the bills, and buy food. The art career would need to stay on hold, or maybe it was too late anyway? She was thirty; so many years had passed since she had used a paintbrush. Panic rose in her chest at the thought of her creativity being slowly stifled in the everyday grind to get by. She took deep breaths as she continued walking and tried to reassure herself that she would be fine; she had some savings, they should keep her going until she found another job. Cat wondered whether to go to the job centre now herself instead of eating lunch, or would it be better to just suck it up, go back to the office and make it her mission to get at least one sale today? That uneasy, stressed feeling washed over her again like a cold wave, so Cat continued walking further down the road, leaving her tense morning behind her, as the dark clouds above loomed over her. It felt like it forever rained in this city, a dark cloud permanently overhead, not wanting to share the blue skies above with anyone. People streamed past Cat as she walked in a daze, oblivious to her surroundings. Impulsively, she walked into a corner shop, feeling a strange desire for a cigarette. She hadn’t smoked in years, but she could feel the grasp of anxiety clenching in her stomach and wanted a release. Buying the cigarettes at the counter, she waited for the shop assistant to give her her change, with those few seconds her eyes drifted to a magazine rack beside the counter. One of the covers showed a photograph of a man climbing a cliff stack. She picked up the magazine, and read the caption under the picture. “Climb the Old Man of Hoy”. She flicked through the magazine to find where this oddly-named place was, and she at last found more. “Majestic Landscapes, Aurora Borealis, and Grand Cathedrals” captioned under the images, and as Cat took in the green fields and ancient standing stones, she was captivated. A cough came from behind her and Cat realized a small queue had gathered, and the shop assistant was waiting holding out her change. She quickly apologized, bought the magazine and then found a bench outside to look at the article in more detail. Scanning over the words and photographs, something stirred inside her. Was it excitement? Emotions fluttered like butterflies wanting to get out of their cage. “The Orkney Isles possess a true unadorned beauty. With an abundance of wildlife and ancient history, they hold an enchantment and romance that is hard to forget.” Cat drank in the words, and with wide eyes, the images of standing stones, and of beaches stretching out to a clear blue sea. She shivered, closed the magazine and with electric conviction breathed out quietly: “I’m going to live in Orkney”.

“What do you mean... it’s over? We’ve been together for years! It can’t just end like... like that?” Dave's loud voice carried from the hallway.

“Dave - we aren’t happy! We both should admit this, and just call it quits,” Cat looked up at him earnestly as he now stood by the bedroom door, pausing for a second in her packing on the bed.

“This is because I haven’t found a job isn't it!” Dave yelled defensively, clenching his fists.

“No, it’s not.” Cat dropped her armful of clothes and turned to him.

“It’s because I haven’t asked you to marry me, isn’t it?” he offered meekly, staring at her intently.

“Dave, I don’t think you really know me. I don’t think I know myself anymore! You won’t acknowledge it, but you know as well as I do…. we’re just together for the sake of... being together!” Cat didn't want to say anymore, she shouldn’t have to be this mean, but how could he not see?

“That’s a lie!” Dave roared, and threw her suitcase on the floor, his face red with fury. Cat sighed and sat down on their small double bed, her energy was beginning to leave her. She closed her eyes and said in a quiet voice:

“Please Dave, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” Looking down at the floor she began to feel the tears starting, blurring her vision. “Dave, you don’t love me.”

“I…..I…” He stuttered but could not get the words out. He sighed and leaned against the wall.

Cat didn’t want to say anymore, but the only person Dave cared about was himself, he didn’t think of Cat or her needs. All this time she had fooled herself that they were in love, but Dave was content in just having his own independence, while they both lived like housemates under the same roof. He did not value Cat, and would often make her feel a nag whenever she wanted to do something with him. It suited Dave to have a woman around the house, cooking his meals, paying half the rent, or all of the rent these past few months. There was nothing between them outside of that. Cat had instigated every romantic moment they had over the last year, and their lovemaking had dwindled to non-existence.

Cat went into their kitchen to get a glass of water; Dave followed her and got a beer out of the fridge. He leaned against the door in the cramped space, blocking Cat’s exit and took a slug from the bottle. His expression made Cat’s heart ache, but she stopped herself from backtracking. She reflected on his handsome profile. They had fancied each other in the beginning; Dave’s cheeky smile and blue eyes were irresistible to Cat. But now looking at him, Cat had no real feelings anymore - there was no passion, love or even much heartache over the breakup. Cat watched him: he just leaned there against the fridge, not fighting for her, just giving up.

“Where am I going to go?” he asked forlornly.

“Your parents?” Cat suggested. “This is the right change for us Dave, we weren’t a good fit.” Cat went to touch his arm. “I’m leaving Glasgow... I’m leaving in a few days. I’ve paid the rent until the end of the month and spoken to our landlord. You have until then to organise your things.”

Dave’s face was still in shock. “Well! You’ve thought of everything haven’t you?” he said with a surly expression.

“Look, I’m sorry, I’m not the right girl for you.” Cat was surprised at the next words to come from her lips. “Now if you don’t mind I have some packing to do!” He drank his beer, as she managed to get out of the kitchen without further debate. She went to her wardrobe and pulled out all the clothes she would be giving to charity. And it was at this very second that Cat started putting herself first.